Here’s another critique, this time of Alie’s two paragraph submission:
The monotone voice of the Pastor filled the chapel and pulled Tara’s attention back to the service. Tara blinked heavy eyes in rapid succession before gazing again at Chandler’s hunched shoulders. Any time now he would take the podium and sing his mother’s praises. He could always admit he killed Emma. That would please half the congregation. She glanced at Sergeant Harold Taylor two rows behind Chandler.
Suddenly Chandler moved. Here he goes! Tara flipped open the notepad in her lap, but instead of standing to go to the podium, Chandler turned his head and stared straight at her. Stunned, she returned his gaze. A scowl cross his face before he turned away.
Randy sez: This looks to be part of a fairly dramatic scene (and unfortunately we’re only seeing a tiny snippet of it). I see a couple of time-indicators that I would eliminate (“before” and “suddenly”). I would also break up paragraph 2 into more paragraphs, since what we have here is a quick succession of Motivations and Reactions. (To reiterate, a reference on Motivations and Reactions is on my Perfect Scene page.)
I am also going to insert one emotive reaction for Tara. Finally, there are some sentences I would suggest breaking up. Here’s my suggested revision:
The monotone voice of the pastor filled the chapel.
Tara forced her attention back to the service. She blinked heavy eyes in rapid succession, then looked again at Chandler’s hunched shoulders. Any time now the creep would take the podium and sing his mother’s praises. He could always admit he killed Emma. That would please half the congregation.
Tara stole a quick glance at Sergeant Harold Taylor two rows behind Chandler.
Chandler moved.
Tara’s heart lurched. Here he goes! She flipped open the notepad in her lap.
Instead of standing to go to the podium, Chandler turned his head and stared straight at Tara.
Tara couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but return his gaze.
A scowl crossed Chandler’s face and then he turned away.
Randy sez: There are some judgment calls here. I make ’em one way. Another writer would make them another way. It’s all a matter of taste, so don’t imagine that my way is the only way to do things. Mainly, I want to let you see what happens when you pay strict attention to those pesky MRUs.