For those of you just joining us, we’re in the middle of a discussion on Motivation Reaction Units (MRUs). For some background on this, see my page on Writing The Perfect Scene.
Last week, I invited people to submit 2 paragraphs for me to critique. I promised to critique some of them. Today, I’ll work through the second submission, by Caprice Hokstad. Here is her original version (and by the way, ya gotta love the name “Caprice”):
Duke Vahn was glad he wore his sword to The Pickled Squid. The weathered wood and broken windows suggested this was not one of Ny’s most reputable establishments. His first step inside confirmed his suspicions. The air reeked of sweat and cheap mead. Men with dirty, unshaven faces looked up from their tankards. A few whistled at his raiment. It wasn’t often Vahn felt so out of place.
“I’m looking for Gil Hocar.” It felt odd not to use “Lord” with the name. He’d always given the poorest of peasants that respect as a matter of course, but after what Timmilina had said, he couldn’t extend the courtesy to this man. “Can anyone direct me?”
Randy sez: This has some good “atmosphere” to it. What I see here is that paragraph 1 has several very short Motivations and Reactions, one after another, and some are in the same sentence. Paragraph 2 is one rather longer Reaction. My hunch is that the segment will run a little smoother if we clump together the Motivations and the Reactions in paragraph 1 so that they are fewer and longer. I’ll try not to do violence to Caprice’s writing in the process. I’ll reorder things to begin with a Reaction, and each change from Reaction to Motivation to Reaction will trigger a new paragraph:
The weathered wood and broken windows of the Pickled Squid suggested this was not one of Ny’s most reputable establishments.
Duke Vahn stepped inside, gripping the hilt of his sword.
The air reeked of sweat and cheap mead. Men with dirty, unshaven faces looked up from their tankards. A few whistled at his raiment.
It wasn’t often Vahn felt so out of place. “I’m looking for Gil Hocar.” It felt odd not to use “Lord” with the name. He’d always given the poorest of peasants that respect as a matter of course, but after what Timmilina had said, he couldn’t extend the courtesy to this man. “Can anyone direct me?”
Randy sez: The original had 3 Reactions and 2 Motivations in 2 paragraphs. My revision has 2 Motivations and 2 Reactions in 4 paragraphs.
Great improvements, Randy. You really got to the meat of the problem areas and made this one much more clear and focused. Thanks for the example!
Nice improvements. I like how you explained what was already there and what changed as well.
Hey, this is really fun! I’ve been trying to see if I could “fix” the examples before reading your edits. I still missed some things, but I’m getting better – woo hoo! Seeing these examples is really helping me a lot. Now, if I could just look at my own writing with an unbiased eye, I could accomplish much more.
Hey, this is really fun! I’ve been trying to see if I could “fix” the examples before reading your edits. I still missed some things, but I’m getting better – woo hoo! Seeing these examples is really helping me a lot. Now, if I could just look at my own writing with an unbiased eye, I could accomplish much more.
Randy, Something’s quirky here-can you help me out?
Was it just a mix up in your wording or am I seeing things the *wrong* way.
You had said: I’ll reorder things to begin with a Reaction, and each change from Reaction to Motivation to Reaction will trigger a new paragraph.
This would result in:
Reaction
Motivation
Reaction
Motivation
*However* I’m not getting that.
The way I see it, your new re-writes exist as
1-Reaction characterized by Vahn’s internalization that the place wasn’t reputable.
2-Motivation characterized by the fact that it’s an objective shot which can be seen by onlookers however (it’s also a reaction-his response to seeing the rif-raf). Then there’s
3-Reaction-his internalization of the smell of sweat and cheap mead-*his POV* because the regulars probably didn’t think: “Boy this place stinks.” Their senses took it in stride.
4- Reaction: Finally, we’re getting another reaction shot-Vahn felt unusually out of place followed by dialogue.(The dialogue portions are also objective camera shots and therefore motivational, but I’m basing it on the first line of “I’m looking for Gil Hocar.”
Thanks Randy–
And thanks Caprice for an interesting piece to work with.
Blessings,
Joleena
Thanks again, Randy.
Thank you for taking the time to critique my paragraphs. Now, if I replace my two paragraphs with your four, exactly as you have posted them here, am I plagiarizing?
I signed up for e-zine 6 days ago and I joined the blog yesterday. I’m therefore your most junior (not youngest, I’m afraid) freshman rookie visiting this blog. If I had read Caprice’s original submission 7 days ago I would have thought that it was the beginning of a great story. Today I still think so but I am grateful that I was able to spot her failure to adhere to the mru’s without first taking a sneaky peak at “Randy sez:” I immediatly realized that the scene was not beginning with a motivation because Duke was “glad” …. disqualifying it from being objective and I said to myself Randy is going to go ape dirt because of this mortal sin, no? No! The dictator seems quite content to begin the scene with a reaction: “..broken windows ‘suggested’ this was not…”, again ‘suggested’ disqualifying it from being objective. Be it as it may, after this I’m full of hope that I will master “the pesky little things” in the not too remote future. However, before I can’t stop typing and start writing abominable bat manure, let me finish by saying that I enjoy every moment of every thing I read on the blog and all the links.
THANK YOU.