“It’s a outrage!” my plumber Sam bellowed through the phone.
I held the phone as far from my ear as I could. “Um, Sam, what’s this about? I paid that invoice of yours.”
“I ain’t talking about that and you know it. You gone and double-crossed me!”
Given the massive amount of money Sam has overcharged me over the years for his dubious plumbing skills, I thought that was a bit ironic. “How have I double-crossed you?”
“I seen it just now on Goodreads! You went and … put up a free copy of that danged book of yers.”
“And that damages you how?”
“Ain’t it obvious? I paid good money fer that book three years ago when it first come out. Now yer giving it away like it’s dirt.”
“Sam, my publisher is providing some books to help me run a promotion. You know, to increase visibility.”
“Oh right, Mr. Bigshot Author. Yer book’s #1 in its category on Amazon, but you got to always be pushing fer more, more, more. When there’s other authors who got to do honest plumbing work just to put food on the table.”
“Honest plumbing work? Who might that be?”
Sam coughed. “What I meant was mostly honest plumbing work.”
“It’s been nice chatting with you, Sam, but I need to be –”
“Not so fast, Mr. Giving-Away-The-Farm. I want my money back on that book of yers that I bought.”
I walked out to the kitchen and turned on the faucet. “Hey, that reminds me. You remember that leak you fixed last month under the kitchen sink?”
“Terrible pipes you got in that rickety old house of yers. Wouldn’t be surprised if something breaks again. Real soon.”
“Sam, you must be psychic. I’m thinking I want my money back on that wretched excuse for a repair that you did. It’s leaking worse than ever and –”
“Whoa, look at the time!” Sam shouted. “Well, hey there, big feller. It’s been real nice chatting with you, but I got to be getting on to the next job. Busy, busy, busy! And congratulafications on that promotion yer running.” He hung up.
“Who was that?” my wife called from the family room.
I shrugged. “Sam the plumber. He called to congratulatify me on the nice promotion my publisher is helping me run right now on Goodreads.”
“That’s nice of him. Did you mention that the sink is leaking again?”
“And what he did he say?”
I sighed deeply. “It’s a outrage.”