My schedule has been way out of kilter lately. My mother-in-law had a bad fall about a week and a half ago, and so my wife has been staying with her pretty much full time. Which means I’ve been doing more driving the kids around and more chores around the house and my blogging time has shrunk drastically. Today, I’ve got a bit of time to blog so I’d like to pick up where we left off.
Last time I began critiquing various sections of the works in progress of my loyal blog readers. Today, I was going to critique Camille’s post, but then I saw that she rather badly violated the six-paragraph rule. Six paragraphs really is enough to critique, and in my view, thirteen is too many.
So instead, I’ll critique the second snippet that Camille posted in response to my latest blog post critiquing Sina’i. This one is shorter, and is actually over-paragraphed, if I’m reading it correctly. Let’s look at what Camille wrote:
Hey everyone – I know mine’s up next… but I’m flying through to wrap up the novel and came across this prime example of what gives me a headache about MRUs. If I follow the mru rules, every sentence is a separate paragraph, I think. But it looks weird. Okay, I KNOW, this text already sounds weird because it’s the mush in the middle of a romance, so ignore that weirdness. Can anyone tell me if breaking each of these lines apart is right or wrong?? Or am I getting way too legalistic here?
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What he was saying didn’t really sink in. The fact that he called and was not upset by her letter eclipsed all other thought. She leaned back against the doorframe and let out the breath she’d been holding.“I’ll tell you more about it when you arrive—you’re still coming, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” Three more weeks . . .
“Emily . . .”
The sudden depth of his voice sent a warm shockwave through her.
“Do you remember when we stopped that night? On the side of the road?”
A shrill scream blasted from the teakettle.
Emily jumped, heart pounding.
“Hang on!”
She dashed to the stove, moved the kettle off the burner, took a deep breath, then put the phone to her ear. But the drumming in her chest made her words come out sounding breathless.
“Yeah . . . I remember.” Are you kidding me? How could I forget?
Randy sez: There is no reason to use so many paragraphs for this. I have often seen this in published novels–an action tag sentence, followed by a paragraph break, followed by dialogue. Honestly, I find this confusing. I interpret a paragraph break as (normally) a change of focus.
A paragraph break normally signals one of the following:
1) A change in focus from the POV character (i.e. a Reaction) to a non-POV character or some other external thing (i.e. a Motivation).
2) The opposite–a switch from any external thing (i.e. a Motivation) to the POV character (a Reaction).
3) Sometimes, a switch from one non-POV character to another non-POV character (i.e. two separate Motivations).
4) Occasionally, a continuation of the action and dialogue when one paragraph just isn’t enough to hold it all (i.e. one multi-paragraph Motivation or one multi-paragraph Reaction).
But here’s an example of the kind of thing I find confusing. This example is made up, but it’s similar to things I’ve seen many times:
“Would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me?” Ron asked.
Hermione glared at him furiously.
“What I can’t figure out is why I like you.”
Randy sez: OK, who said that third line? Was it Ron? Or was it Hermione? As written, there’s no way to know. There’s no dialogue tag. The author might well have intended paragraph two to serve as an action tag, thereby making Hermione the speaker. But the author may also have intended the paragraph break between paragraphs two and three to indicate a change of focus, thereby making Ron the speaker. There’s no iron-clad way to know. You have to read on to find out, which is annoying because it breaks the flow of your reading. Anything that loses clarity like this is likely to break the flow of the reading, and that’s bad.
I have seen this many times, and I always wonder why the author didn’t write it clearer. It is trivial to do it. Here’s one way to make it clear:
“Would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me?” Ron asked.
Hermione glared at him furiously. “What I can’t figure out is why I like you.”
Randy sez: In this example, it’s obvious that Hermione is the speaker. The first sentence in the second paragraph serves as an action tag for the second sentence of that paragraph. Now here’s a second way to write it that changes the meaning:
“Would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me?” Ron asked.
Hermione glared at him furiously.
“What I can’t figure out is why I like you,” Ron said.
Randy sez: This time, there’s a simple dialogue tag in the third sentence making it obvious that Ron said it.
Now to work on Camille’s example. In my view, the paragraphing should go as follows:
What he was saying didn’t really sink in. The fact that he called and was not upset by her letter eclipsed all other thought. She leaned back against the doorframe and let out the breath she’d been holding.
“I’ll tell you more about it when you arrive—you’re still coming, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” Three more weeks . . .
“Emily . . .” The sudden depth of his voice sent a warm shockwave through her. “Do you remember when we stopped that night? On the side of the road?”
A shrill scream blasted from the teakettle.
Emily jumped, heart pounding. “Hang on!” She dashed to the stove, moved the kettle off the burner, took a deep breath, then put the phone to her ear. But the drumming in her chest made her words come out sounding breathless. “Yeah . . . I remember.” Are you kidding me? How could I forget?
Randy sez: By combining paragraphs like this, I have squeezed Camille into the six-paragraph limit that I imposed. And I think I’ve made the whole thing a lot easier to read. Emily is the POV character here, and so now we have paragraphs in a simple pattern: Reaction, Motivation, Reaction, Motivation, Motivation, Reaction. Notice that paragraph 4 is a Motivation (Ian speaking) and paragraph 5 is a second Motivation (the tea kettle). This is commonly done and works just fine. The paragraph break clearly distinguishes between the two Motivators–Ian and the kettle.
The one issue is in paragraph 4. Let’s look at that in detail:
“Emily . . .” The sudden depth of his voice sent a warm shockwave through her. “Do you remember when we stopped that night? On the side of the road?”
In Camille’s original, she made this three paragraphs. I combined the three sentences into a single paragraph because the subject of sentence 2 is Ian’s voice. This is a Motivation. It is true that Camille sneaks a bit of a Reaction into the second half of the sentence, but the fact is that the sentence serves as an action tag to remind us who is speaking. Furthermore, it interrupts Ian’s sentence. So I vote for jamming them all into a single paragraph, as shown above.
As a final note, the phrase “The sudden depth of his voice…” is technically called paralanguage. This is just a fancy term that means that it’s describing the way something is said. Paralanguage about a non-POV character simply has to be part of the Motivation, not the Reaction. You can find out a whole lot more about paralanguage and its uses from Margie Lawson and her excellent courses on writing.
Is it OK for Camille to sneak in a bit of Reaction here? Yeah, sure, why not? It works pretty well this way. I can’t see an easy way to improve it. When you have to break the rules to make the scene work better then do so. The rules are to help you write better, not write worse. Use them accordingly.
Sorry to hear about your wife’s mom, I hope things get better soon.
So this answered my questions. And created some more.
You fixed it nicely, Randy—-it certainly looks right now. So, I can see I’m going to have trouble with this, because in my wee analytical brain, a physical response from the pov character is a separate reaction and not part of the motivation. But I need to look at the sentence subject and decide whether or not the reaction is tacked onto a motivation. (I think I have a lot of these in my novel. ugh.) I’m going to stand in the corner now and try to wrap my brain around this.
I had no clue about paralanguage. I’ll study up on that while in the corner, too.
Thank you, Randy, for your help on this, the bonus lesson and all the free tips.:)
& Sorry about the overage. 🙁
I will not post over the limit.
I will not post over the limit.
I will not…(to be continued. Also in the corner.)
Uh oh, Camille, I think I have alot of those in mine, too!
Paralanguage? Ha! The learning never ends. I will have to study up on that, too.
I can see I’ve made the same mistake as well, and ditto to the others about paralanguage.
I also hope your MIL improves quickly.
Thanks for the rules on paragraph breaks! I knew I wanted to see some, but couldn’t seem to put that need into words. You’ve clarified the issue nicely. This will greatly speed up my writing now that I know when and where to break.
I am lost.
Camille, you are a great writer. I’ve read your stuff. It rocks. Get thee out of the corner.
I feel so DUMB after reading this post! I wish I had the brain power to really get it. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep writing and hope to hit the right MRU once in a great while. As for paralanguage — wow. What a cool word and concept to understand: “Paralanguage about a non-POV character simply has to be part of the Motivation, not the Reaction.”
If only I did!
Amazing. I really enjoy reading this blog. I learn something new with each entry.
This example is extremely helpful to me because it’s the crossover from concept to practice. I understand MRU’s and I believe they are a very helpful tool. But to see it applied to a passage with an understanding of what and why it’s been changed is meaty.
Great stuff Randy!
I knew what Randy taught already, but I didn’t know it had a name! 🙂
Randy said: I always wonder why the author didn’t write it clearer.
I say: I wonder why the EDITOR didn’t catch it!
Dear Randy
I’m a fairly new subscriber (Junior-Senior category). Normally I print off the blogs to study instead of reading it online. Love your blog, and I’ve gotten so much wonderful information that you’ve explained so well.
My request: I failed to get lesson 5 on MRU’s printed off. I couldn’t find any archives on your site. Is there any way I can get that lesson from you? I’d appreciate it. Without lesson 5, it’s like a missing tooth showing in a big grin.
Thanks.
Bonnie J.–young lady trapped in old body
Paralanguage? Good grief! See, my writing looks a lot like Camille’s, and “technically” there wasn’t anyting wrong with it. However, when you fixed it by putting the paralanguage in the motivation, I could really see how much better it was. Like her, I think my novel is FULL of these.
This whole paralanguage thing really changes everything doesn’t it? I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll EVER get done editing my novel. Every time I learn something new, then I have to go “fix” more stuff…blech!
Ah. Margie Lawson. You sent me to her as a resource to help make my characters react like normal people would… instead of reacting like I would.
I’ve never heard of paralanguage before either.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit like D.E. Hale on these matters. Who has time for perfection? And the market is so tight, who has time to submit less than perfection?
I really appreciate what you do here, though, Randy.
I wonder if a lot of us are hearkening back to old-school English lessons?
I seem to recall learning at some point that each new paragraph of dialogue belongs on a separate line. That’s the way I had been doing it, too, until my crit partner told me the new black is to put it all on one line.
Maybe I’m making it up and I never learned that- I don’t remember- but it seems to make sense since many of us habitually do that very thing. 🙂
Sorry about the chaos at your house at the moment. Life has a way of doing that periodically!
Enjoyed today’s critique. Sometimes we are so busy with the words we write that we (I) overlook simple clarity. Thankfully we have critique groups to point out the confusion!
Kristi Holl
Writer’s First Aid blog
On second thought, I’m coming out of the corner. This is great! I knew I’d have bunches more of these split ends so I’m combing thru (like the pun?) my story and whoa! I see ’em! Search and Destroy time. Maybe I’m getting it. I’m still stumped on what to do with paralanguage though. If it’s part of a motivation, and it’s being sneaky to tack on a reaction with it, wouldn’t putting the reaction after the pov person is finished be a delayed reaction?
Sorry, I meant after the *non-pov* person is finished. Sheesh. Nothing like a writer who can’t write.
So, anyone else doing NaNoWriMo? Starts tonight!
I decided to do mine this year using the snowflake method. It already looks like I’ll be far less garbled and all-over-the-place than I was last year.
Good luck with NaNoWriMo, Sean – you’re brave indeed. And you did it last year, too?? I think I would like to do it very much, but where do you find the time? I did the Three Day Novel Writing Contest this year, and while it was a great experience I don’t know if I could sustain that level of commitment for a whole month.
Re. MRUs vs. Traditional “speech gets a line of it’s own”, I think there’s been a definite shift toward compressing more content into less paragraphs over time. I remember being taught that every time someone speaks a new paragraph is formed. But those days are definitely gone, or at least, the number of ways to approach paragraph content has increased dramatically.
Take, for instance, Jose Saramago’s writing style, wherein he sometimes opts to leave out quotation marks for speech entirely. His writing provides a fine example of just how seamlessly speech, thought, and action can be combined in (sometimes quite lengthy) single paragraphs without interfering with overall narrative flow. Rather, this style creates an almost mesmeric flow that encourages the reader to experience shifting layers of meaning that would be difficult to communicate otherwise.
So I guess what I’m saying is: MRU’s are a useful tool, but don’t forget that the best tool of all is your own unique story and motivations for telling it. Don’t get too tied up in technicalities.