All good things must come to an end, and I think it’s time to wrap up our critiques of first paragraphs submitted by my loyal blog readers. We’ve been critiquing these for a few weeks now, and it’ll soon be time to move on to a new topic.
Today, I’ll critique one by Stephaniemeg:
One hour and fifty-nine minutes.
Kevin Ramsey sank his hands deep into the fleece lined pocket of his hoodie. His fingers, stiff with cold, clasped onto the folded bus ticket. In less than two hours, he would be free – and for the first time in control of his life.
Randy sez: This is very good. It sets the stage, introduces our main character, and hints at the story. I think it’s strong the way it’s written. I have a few minor points that might sharpen it up:
* Is it a single pocket or does his hoodie have two pockets?
* It should be “clasped the folded bus ticket” rather than “clasped onto the folded bus ticket.” Omit needless words, as they say.
* I wonder if it might be better to say he “sank his hands into the fleece lined pocket of his hoodie.” When you sink your hands in, it’s implicit that they’ll go “deep.”
Loyal blog readers, what do you think? Anything else you see in this paragraph?