A couple of days ago, I posted Barbara’s one-sentence summary of her novel and asked you all to see if you could improve on my best attempt to revise it. Thanks to all of you who responded!
Barbara has picked a winner and has asked me to post this message:
“All you people are, (pick one) awesome, wonderful, fantastic, awe-inspiring. There were a lot of great entries and I narrowed it down to two:
“J.R. Turner submitted:
This is 15 words:
Three scientists unwittingly give a clandestine government agency the power to alter the human genome.
“While this was very good, an even better entry and the winner was supplied by Caprice Hokstad, who submitted:
A secret government agency manipulates unsuspecting biotechnologists into altering human DNA.
“This was the best short entry. I would change only one word giving:
“A clandestine government agency manipulates unsuspecting biotechnologists into altering human DNA.
“In my original version I used disgruntled but unsuspecting also works for the story. And I like the use of manipulates.
“The first draft of this story is done. I wrote it during NANOWRIMO (National Novel Writing Month) which takes place every November. During the month of November you have to write a novel of at least 50,000 words. You’re allowed to have an outline and character sketches beforehand. It’s a lot of fun, and I’ve been doing it for a couple of years now. The down side is when the first draft is done then you must edit, and edit, and…
“I’d like to thank you all for your responses. Sometimes I get too close to the problem to see the best answer.
“Take care, Barbara”
Randy sez: As you can see, less is more in this game. Barbara’s original version was 36 words. I cut it down to 20 words. Caprice chopped it all the way down to 11, and it’s clearly stronger than mine or Barbara’s original.
Caprice, you won! Go ahead and email me with a one-page Word excerpt from your novel and I’ll critique it.
Thanks to all of you who participated! This was fun!
Congrats Caprice! JR, nice runner up!
Story Hack (Bryce Beattie) says
Little contests like this are fun, and good practice, too. Kudos Caprice. And thanks, Randy for putting up the prize.
Congrats … 🙂
Congrats Caprice. Randy, I really appreciate your generosity in initiating and facilitating these sorts of discussions. It was fascinating to watch the process used to achieve each sentence.
Well done Caprice. And thank you Randy. This is an amazing opportunity to learn exactly how a professional author goes about their craft.
Best of all we don’t have to spend $97.00, on a 500 page PDF file that tells us the three words that must appear on the first page or the secret character name that guarantees success.
J.R. Turner says
Aww, I’m so honored to have been chosen second! Thanks Barbara 😉 I know exactly what you mean about being too close to a project!
Congrats Caprice–that was truly awesome 🙂 I especially liked your use of biotecnologists in place of scientists.
I’m enjoying these contests too, and the blog is going great! Thanks Randy too 😉
Great job Caprice!
I love these discussions and contests. It is fantastic for a novice like me to have the chance to associate with “real” writers. I am learning so much.
Joleena Thomas says
Congratulations again Caprice!
Doesn’t it feel good? There were a lot of good ones submitted and you are the cream.
“Biotechnologists” nail it down with those screw nails–no loose floorboards on this one.
Carrie Stuart Parks says
Great choice, Barbara. Congrads to Caprice. And thank you, Randy, for this blog.
Andra M. says
This was a lot of fun. Thank you, Randy, and congrats to Caprice!
Caprice Hokstad says
Wow, what a surprise. Thanks, Barbara, and best of luck with the book. That one page is on its way, Randy. Have at it.
So today I read about some in Britain who are thinking about producing lots of embryos for biological research using a combo of human and animal material!
(No, this is NOT a contest entry—it is in the news!)
Frightening how timely her sentence is!