In my last blog entry, I critiqued Hope’s first paragraph. Today, I’ll look at her revisions and then move on to critique Katie’s first paragraph.
Hope revised her paragraph as follows:
Hannah wanted Poppy’s new calf. She’d show Pa she could take care of it all by herself. Even if she was only nine years old. She wished Ma weren’t feeling poorly. But that gave her just the chance she needed. She tiptoed past her mother’s bed. Ma was asleep. Good. She slipped out to the barn and pulled a halter over Poppy’s head. Once outside, Poppy grazed eagerly on the fresh green grass. It had been a long Vermont winter. Hannah scooted back to the barn to get the calf. When Pa returned from helping his neighbor, he would be pleased that the animals had been outdoors–though Ma couldn’t take them out. Hannah raised the latch and opened the barn door. Before she could close it behind her, the calf darted out. It charged toward the woods. Disappeared from sight.
Randy sez: As a number of my loyal blog readers noted, this is an improvement over the original version. However, the problem I see is that narrative summary still is dominating in this paragraph. The events of roughly 15 to 30 minutes are compressed into this one paragraph. You really need to be showing here (using “immediate scene” techniques) rather than telling (using “narrative summary.”) A second problem I see is that the sentences mostly extremely short. Let’s look at these sentence by sentence and see which parts are showing and which are telling:
1) Hannah wanted Poppy’s new calf.
Randy sez: This is straight narrative summary, telling us what Hannah wants. That’s not a bad thing if it then is followed by some action, but . . .
2) She’d show Pa she could take care of it all by herself.
Randy sez: More narrative summary, telling us Hannah’s intention.
3) Even if she was only nine years old.
Randy sez: More narrative summary.
4) She wished Ma weren’t feeling poorly.
Randy sez: This is almost interior monologue, but it feels more like narrative summary, informing us of Hannah’s state of mind.
5) But that gave her just the chance she needed.
Randy sez: This is again narrative summary.
6) She tiptoed past her mother’s bed.
Randy sez: This is immediate scene. I can see this.
7) Ma was asleep.
Randy sez: This is also immediate scene, but it’s fairly fuzzy. What does Ma look like?
8 ) Good.
Randy sez: This is interior monologue, but it doesn’t carry much of Hannah’s personality, which is the real intent of interior monologue. Notice that all nine of the above sentences are very short.
9) She slipped out to the barn and pulled a halter over Poppy’s head.
Randy sez: This is again narrative summary in the first half (slipping out to the barn takes a couple of minutes) followed by immediate scene in the second half.
10) Once outside, Poppy grazed eagerly on the fresh green grass.
Randy sez: Again, there is a gap which is filled in with the narrative phrase “once outside”. The second half of the sentence is immediate scene.
11) It had been a long Vermont winter.
Randy sez: This is more narrative summary.
12) Hannah scooted back to the barn to get the calf.
Randy sez: This is immediate scene.
13) When Pa returned from helping his neighbor, he would be pleased that the animals had been outdoors — though Ma couldn’t take them out.
Randy sez: This is narrative summary.
14) Hannah raised the latch and opened the barn door.
Randy sez: This is immediate scene.
15) Before she could close it behind her, the calf darted out.
Randy sez: This is also immediate scene.
16) It charged toward the woods.
Randy sez: This is immediate scene.
17) Disappeared from sight.
Randy sez: Again it’s immediate scene.
As you can see, the great majority of the sentences above are narrative summary. The action takes a long time to get rolling. I would like to see more sentences that are immediate scene. Those sentences that must be narrative summary should show more of Hannah’s personality.
Let’s move on to Katie’s first paragraph:
Mysteer Castle loomed in Karel’s view, its dark walls melting into the nighttime forest. A sliver of moon revealed a sentry rounding the east corner of the castle wall. Karel allowed a smile as she touched the scar above her collarbone. Time to right a wrong too long held in abeyance. Time to recover the Stone.
Randy sez: This is a pretty strong paragraph. I can see the castle fairly well — especially those dark walls melting into the forest. In the first couple of sentences, you’ve set the stage. But I think I’d like to see more. This is a spooky scene. Make me feel it more.
I’m not suggesting that you do ONLY more description. I’d like to see some motion. What’s that sentry up to? What’s Karel FEELING as she looks at him? What sort of night noises does she hear, and how do those make her feel?
I think there is one sentence here that is clearly too early–the one about “Time to right a wrong too long held in abeyance.” This is verging on backstory, but the real problem is that it feels rather bloodless and analytical. We don’t know Karel well enough to understand that long-ago wrong, and so any mention of it is inevitably going to be intellectual, rather than emotive.
Compare that to the sentence before, in which Karel touches the scar above her collarbone. That’s much more visceral. I can feel that scar too. What is Karel feeling here? Can you tap into that, rather than what she’s thinking? Fiction is about Powerful Emotional Experiences. I think this paragraph would be sharper if you highlight the emotive aspects here (which you’re already doing) and downplay the intellectual elements.
OK, loyal blog readers, what do you think? Can you improve on Katie’s paragraph? There are some fine elements here. Can you sharpen them?