I do like the idea of vowing to track down father’s killer suggestion, which leaves it in doubt.

Assuming you are intent on writing the sleep disorder angle, I would propose the following:

“A narcoleptic teen vows to track down his father’s killer.”

Now you know something specific about the teen, his goal and the problems and danger his sudden sleeping fits might cause.

I agree that naming the disorder makes it more interesting! Something in me really wants the words “between naps”.

“Between sudden naps, a narcoleptic teen tracks his Fathers killer only to accidentally uncover a family secret.”

Thats my 2 cents.

Try looking at blurbs for movies you’ve seen. Then you can analyze their efficiency like we do here, especially since you know what the movie does.

I saw the sleep disorder thing as giving the teen more nighttime hours to be out there tracking, which adds a bit of dark time tension and opportunitiy for suspense.

Thanks for the comments all.

So, to recap Randy’s suggestions and explain my changes:

1. Make the hero unique or more clearly specified.
2. Make the villain unique or more clearly specified.
3. Explain how a sleep disorder can be an advantage.
4. Do something else that brings the story to life.

(3) Lois and Debbie are on the right track. My teen needs less sleep at night but it’s not insomnia. He doesn’t need the usual 8 hours like the rest of us. But Luke and Tammy are right too. During sleep he can’t be awakened but it’s not narcolepsy. His body goes to sleep for about an hour each night; that’s all it needs. It’s an advantage and a vulnerability all in one.

I don’t know that there’s a common name for it beyond the medical jargon which would be a turn off to my target audience. I have tried to find one. So “sleeping disorder” is not specific enough but there’s not another name for it. I could make up one. How about “Cole-Wilson’s”? It has a catchy name but then I would still have to explain it in my storyline. (Or would I…)

I just can’t seem to add in this sleeping disorder in an advantageous way. It’s hard to define and I have a strict word count limit. Plus, I don’t think my target audience would be too interested excluding the “get more hours in your day” angle. Bottom line: I’m dropping it.

(1) I don’t see how mentioning the sleeping disorder is an advantage with my target audience in mind so I’ll drop it.

In fact, I’m dropping “detective” before teenager to make my hero seem more “normal” to my target audience (which he is). Teenagers don’t naturally think of themselves as detectives so this is actually more appealing. Less is more.

(2) I more clearly specified the villain as a mastermind.

(4) The reduction of my teenager and the elevating of my mastermind has the added effect of a nice power imbalance - in favor of the villain.

So here’s my updated storyline:

“A teenager vows to track down the mastermind who killed his detective father.” (13)

Oh, his father is/was a detective too. This is a revenge killing but the son doesn’t understand this at first. As Randy says, don’t give away your ending (but I’ll share the explanation with all of you here).

And just for fun, an alternate:

“A teenager with Cole-Wilson’s syndrome vows to track down the mastermind who killed his detective father.” (16)

Hey, that’s not too bad. It immediately raises the question in the reader’s mind: “What is Cole-Wilson’s syndrome?” I like it.

Any additional comments?

I think you can get away with simply calling it insomnia which doesn’t mean a person never sleeps, it means they sleep much less than they need. The “he doesn’t NEED more than an hour” is why I think it’s science fiction. Sleep is when the body recovers, fixes itself, and re-orients your memories for long-term storage. Without appropriate amounts of sleep you have persistent fatigue and temporary mental disorder that could eventually lead to permanent psychosis.

Insomnia is a good hook, though! You shouldn’t drop it, because it implies a whole host of challenges the character needs to overcome. Not to mention, many people have suffered from insomnia, or have (however inaccurately) associated periods of low sleep as being insomnia. It creates a commonality that readers can use to approach your character in a way that “a son of a detective” does not.

The key is not to treat it as an advantage, but to present it as another villain, trying to undermine the kid. Considering that being an investigator is a brain-intensive activity, and that insomnia degrades your ability to think, you will have created a really interesting challenge for your protagonist to overcome.

I don’t think that describing the condition it would take away from it. In fact I think it would add more! Then you can delve into the wild wonders that a brain must go through in REM if it only requires 1 hours of sleep a night.

A dream world that you can’t wake the sleeper from. Sounds very interesting to me!

Good Luck!!

Good Luck!!

Adam, good point about making up a name for the disease. Maybe I shouldn’t go there. On the flip side, my book will be slightly alternate history so maybe it could slide. My only other choice is to set it a few years into the future which I’m strongly considering. Then again, Peter Pan introduced the name “Wendy” that became part of the public consciousness so I’m probably OK. Decisions, decisions.

The condition is not made up though. I knew a young man that had it. It’s just so rare there isn’t a specific name for it. I learned of his condition at about the time I needed a hook for my hero and it intrigued me so I thought it might intrigue others. I was right.

I suppose it would be categorized under the “insomnia” label but it’s still not the same. I’m thinking of adding “unique insomnia” to my storyline since this seems to be interesting all of you. I like “bizarre sleep condition” too but “bizarre” has a negative connotation I’d rather avoid. Same with “disorder” too now that I think about it. Perhaps, “unusual” or “rare” but they don’t have the emotive punch of “bizarre”. Hmm… “Strange” works. I get the assonance of the letter s too: “strange sleeping condition”.

And now that I re-read Tammy’s comment, she has already listed “strange sleep state” which is a further improvement. BTW, I’ve already got something planned for that dream world. Great minds think alike!

Melissa, I plan for him to have that very problem! Not the werewolf, but when he does fall asleep, he can’t be awakened. Anything can happen to him (and does) or could be happening as he is not consciously aware. As author I do plan to play tricks with his mind about what happens in his off hour.

So, modifications to the storyline. Here goes:

“A teenager with a unique insomnia vows to track down the mastermind who killed his detective father.” (17)

“A teenager with a strange sleeping condition vows to track down the mastermind who killed his detective father.” (18)

“A teenager with a strange sleep state vows to track down the mastermind who killed his detective father.” (18)

I think I like “strange sleeping condition” best. Now my storyline includes all the important points of the book. Thanks all!