Comments on: Critiquing Mark

By: Sean

Sean — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 00:59:18 +0000

This piece reads a lot better with the additional actions from Odie. Feels more natural. I’m not sure anything is lost with the third paragraph, except for the information that there’s a cheap tent in the back of the truck, and the resulting inference by the reader that visiting Decoration/the cemetery entails camping out.

I think the tent could be safely transplanted to one of the other paragraphs.

Also–a boy and his dog story where they’re both zombies? Really? That’s the awesomest thing I’ve heard all day. Can’t wait to read it, Mark!

By: Daniel Smith

Daniel Smith — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 04:13:06 +0000

I think the tent info as written could easily be merged in with the new paragraph 3.

Better yet, it could be shown when Mark goes around the curve in the new paragraph 5. Something like this:

…

“John realized halfway into the curve that he was taking it too fast. He eased off on the gas and gripped the wheel with sodden determination, letting the squealing tires bleed off speed. A soft flapping from the back told him that he had not lost the cheap polyester tent in the curve. After seven years he was finally going - going to Decoration. Not bad for a half-sloshed guy at midnight.”

…

By: Lynda

Lynda — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:05:14 +0000

Bravo, Marcus. I love your voice, especially in the last sentence. More response from Odysseus does add to the scene.

By: Kathryn

Kathryn — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 15:47:16 +0000

Nice work, Mark!

Amazing how a bit of dog action made it so much stronger.

By: PatriciaW

PatriciaW — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:47:35 +0000

I liked both versions, although the revised one does read a bit better.

I think the point in paragraph 3 that John has been wrestling with his demons for seven years might be important. Maybe there’s a way to get that small piece of info in there. Then, again, it might not be important.

By: Camille

Camille — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:49:38 +0000

Careful with Odie — secondary characters love to steal the show. Especially precocious pets and pontificating plumbers.

Pure poetry, Mark.

By: Morgan

Morgan — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:26:32 +0000

Hey Mark! Is Decoration the cemetery where his parents are, or a place he goes instead of the cemetery (a place he escapes to to forgot the death of his parents?). If its the place he goes to escape, you could put paragraph 3 just after the first paragraph…

“I haven’t been to Decoration since my parents died, Odie.” John took another long pull of his Heineken and wedged it on the pickup seat next to his dog.

“Instead, for the last seven years, I’ve dragged out this cheap tent,” he motioned to the wad of polyester flapping in the bed of his truck. “And I tell myself, ‘This year.’ This year I’m going to Decoration.”

hmm, doesn’t seem to fit, perhaps because the cemetery is Decoration. Perhaps clarify if Decoration is the cemetery or his place to escape from visiting his parents (something he seems very reluctant to do, even after 7 years).

Hope this helps

By: 7 zombie paragraphs | GoodWordEditing.com

7 zombie paragraphs | GoodWordEditing.com — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:37:32 +0000

[…] For the seventh list of Christmas, my true love gave to me… seven paragraphs about zombies. […]

By: Marcus Goodyear

Marcus Goodyear — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:43:55 +0000

Randy, I’ve only seen you critique other people here and never experienced it before. You are totally awesome.

I didn’t miss paragraph 3. But I agree with PatriciaW that the seven years of demons is worth keeping somewhere. No reason they would need to be in these paragraphs though.

I’m slapping myself for not thinking more about this scene as a dialog between a man and his dog. Thanks for helping me see how that would work.

By: Cissy

Cissy — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 22:38:54 +0000

I didn’t notice that paragraph 3 was even missing.
Depending on where the story goes, maybe it could be added farther down the line. I would love to read this story too. Sounds interesting!

By: Grammy

Grammy — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 20:15:13 +0000

My favorite part is about Decoration, of course (personal relativity)–too bad your story is really good without a thorough explanation of the old Southern custom!

By: Christina Berry

Christina Berry — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 07:50:12 +0000

This is not my usual choice of genre, but I did just read Shade and lived to tell about it so you never know …

I think the back and forth gives a smoothness that was missing in the original. But huge kudos to Mark for having the guts to turn Randy loose on it! That’s what makes good writers great.

By: Carrie Neuman

Carrie Neuman — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 12:41:18 +0000

I like how much empathy you managed for John in six paragraphs, Mark. Here’s a guy who’s hurt and maybe whining a little, but we almost immediately see him saving the day and feeling good about himself. It’s a nice balance.

Now be sure to follow that up with an apology to the dog and a pat on the head. I can’t like a guy who’s callous towards his dog.

By: peppiv

peppiv — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 17:57:55 +0000

Great stuff to learn from.
The only other thing I would say about this is that for being drunk or half-sloshed, his diction and clarity of thought is pretty good. Almost too good. Whenever I feel a little ‘relaxed’, I usually drop an expletive in there somewhere or roll off of a sentence before it’s completed. Not saying we should write trashy language, but maybe give some other indictation as to the level of sobriety.

By: Avily Jerome

Avily Jerome — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:35:21 +0000

Very cool, thanks Randy!

I like seeing the examples of showing- helps me to see what to do differently.

By: Cori Fedyna

Cori Fedyna — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 11:23:31 +0000

Wow! I have been busy and am just catching up on your latest entries. Thanks Randy for “showing” us the fine points of narrative construction.