Comments on: Critiquing Ivye http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/ America's Mad Professor of Fiction Writing Wed, 16 May 2012 16:30:36 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.1.3 By: Shruti http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6933 Shruti Thu, 04 Dec 2008 06:50:32 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6933 Truly spectacular! How well it reads after Randy's edits. Truly spectacular! How well it reads after Randy’s edits.

]]> By: Ivye http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6934 Ivye Thu, 04 Dec 2008 10:28:17 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6934 Thank you, Randy. I can see lots of things that work much better with your suggestions. I actually had written this long before I came across MRU theory, and while I'm working with it on my current writing, I'm finding it difficult to go back and apply it on what I have already written. I was in dire need of an example like this! Just two things: I'll have to find a way to salvage the forbidden imperatives thing (and Mehmed noticing but not reacting), because it has a place in the story, and is important to Urban's character. And "pretextuous" seems to be marginally (and perhaps incorrectly) used in legal English. I'm not a native speaker, and I studied quite a lot of legal English, so now and then something like "pretextuous" still slips in. :) Thank you, Randy.
I can see lots of things that work much better with your suggestions.
I actually had written this long before I came across MRU theory, and while I’m working with it on my current writing, I’m finding it difficult to go back and apply it on what I have already written. I was in dire need of an example like this!
Just two things: I’ll have to find a way to salvage the forbidden imperatives thing (and Mehmed noticing but not reacting), because it has a place in the story, and is important to Urban’s character.
And “pretextuous” seems to be marginally (and perhaps incorrectly) used in legal English.
I’m not a native speaker, and I studied quite a lot of legal English, so now and then something like “pretextuous” still slips in. :)

]]> By: Parker Haynes http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6936 Parker Haynes Thu, 04 Dec 2008 11:54:59 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6936 Randy, May I butt in with an off-topic question? In yesterday's newsletter you give a rundown of the site visits information provided by Quantcast. The number of visits I can understand, but where do they come up with the other details about male/female ratio, ages, educations, etc? Randy,

May I butt in with an off-topic question? In yesterday’s newsletter you give a rundown of the site visits information provided by Quantcast. The number of visits I can understand, but where do they come up with the other details about male/female ratio, ages, educations, etc?

]]> By: Carrie Neuman http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6937 Carrie Neuman Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:44:20 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6937 I thought I really liked this excerpt as it stood. Now that I see Randy's edits, I really, really like it. Very nice, Iyve. I thought I really liked this excerpt as it stood. Now that I see Randy’s edits, I really, really like it.

Very nice, Iyve.

]]> By: Richard Mabry http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6938 Richard Mabry Thu, 04 Dec 2008 13:02:22 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6938 Randy, Thanks for the kind words. I can't emphasize how important learning from accomplished writers can be in the development of one's writing skills, even if it's a bit painful to hear those comments. I hope everyone realizes how valuable your suggestions and critiques are. Keep it up. Randy,
Thanks for the kind words. I can’t emphasize how important learning from accomplished writers can be in the development of one’s writing skills, even if it’s a bit painful to hear those comments. I hope everyone realizes how valuable your suggestions and critiques are. Keep it up.

]]> By: Avily Jerome http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6940 Avily Jerome Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:09:45 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6940 Thanks, Randy! Great thoughts- I love reading your examples! Very helpful! Thanks, Randy!

Great thoughts- I love reading your examples! Very helpful!

]]> By: Davalynn http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6941 Davalynn Fri, 05 Dec 2008 02:57:30 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6941 Ivye - I want to read more of this story. Even with these six graphs, I get a sense of the setting and conflict - a bit of your storyworld that intrigues me. Yet, Randy's suggestions tighten it nicely. I continue to learn. I know what you mean about trying to rework "old" writing into MRUs. It's easier for me to start fresh. That's why these exercises are such good practice. Richard - congratulations. I hope to be in your shoes someday soon. Well, maybe not your shoes, but similar shoes. Ivye - I want to read more of this story. Even with these six graphs, I get a sense of the setting and conflict - a bit of your storyworld that intrigues me. Yet, Randy’s suggestions tighten it nicely. I continue to learn.

I know what you mean about trying to rework “old” writing into MRUs. It’s easier for me to start fresh. That’s why these exercises are such good practice.

Richard - congratulations. I hope to be in your shoes someday soon. Well, maybe not your shoes, but similar shoes.

]]> By: Kathryn http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6948 Kathryn Fri, 05 Dec 2008 16:32:19 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6948 Great job, Ivye! I am with Carrie, I liked it before and even better after Randy's edit! Wonder how you will rewrite that "pretextuous" segment? Great job, Ivye! I am with Carrie, I liked it before and even better after Randy’s edit!

Wonder how you will rewrite that “pretextuous” segment?

]]> By: Ivye http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6950 Ivye Sat, 06 Dec 2008 10:07:05 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6950 Carrie, Davalynn, Kathryn - thank you! I'm so glad you like it. This draft has been just laying there, one of those things you'll look at, now and then, and sigh- and yet it has a time period, characters, setting, and story I really love. Now (New Year's Resolution), I'm going to take a deep breath, plunge in and... er... let's say I'll be busy Randy-ing it. As for the "pretextuous" bit... I've been wondering. Of course, the Ugly (And Possibly Made Up) Legalese Adjective goes. The rest might just stay as it is. This comes late enough in the story that the reader knows already of Mehmed' ingrained unability to aknowledge when anyone else is right. So, here he's both deflecting everyone's attention from his having foolishly stared at the iron AND asking something he wants to know (and I want the reader to know)... Carrie, Davalynn, Kathryn - thank you! I’m so glad you like it.
This draft has been just laying there, one of those things you’ll look at, now and then, and sigh- and yet it has a time period, characters, setting, and story I really love.
Now (New Year’s Resolution), I’m going to take a deep breath, plunge in and… er… let’s say I’ll be busy Randy-ing it.
As for the “pretextuous” bit… I’ve been wondering. Of course, the Ugly (And Possibly Made Up) Legalese Adjective goes. The rest might just stay as it is. This comes late enough in the story that the reader knows already of Mehmed’ ingrained unability to aknowledge when anyone else is right. So, here he’s both deflecting everyone’s attention from his having foolishly stared at the iron AND asking something he wants to know (and I want the reader to know)…

]]> By: Pam Halter http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6954 Pam Halter Sat, 06 Dec 2008 20:56:28 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/12/03/critiquing-ivye/#comment-6954 I've been sick for almost 7 days now and am just getting up and back to the computer. How wonderful to read Richard's news! Congrats!! I’ve been sick for almost 7 days now and am just getting up and back to the computer. How wonderful to read Richard’s news! Congrats!!

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