So let me be more specific about my previous comment. One problem I had early on was the three one-sentence paragraphs near the beginning:

Excruciating pain shot through his arm.

He screamed, clutched a wound, and writhed.

The agony decreased by degrees to a fiery throb that radiated into his shoulder.

One-sentence paragraphs can be very dramatic when used sparingly, but when used too often they lose their impact and can even be annoying. The above, I think, is too often. Here’s an (admittedly melodramatic) example of how one-sentence paragraphs might be effective:

When Alex entered, the room was in shambles. Shirts spilled from fallen dresser drawers. Broken glass lay shattered beneath the window. Bedsheets were heaped against the wall. Near them was a woman, barely breathing.

It was his mother.

Except for Alex entering, the whole thing is motivation, but the one-sentence paragraph adds emphasis and drama to Alex’ discovery.

Back to the critiqued text, with the three paragraphs that begin with “It would storm soon,” I think they would read better like this (or something like it):

It would storm soon. He had to find shelter.

He grabbed a fist full of the vines, hoisted himself to a sitting position, and scanned the area. No outcrops. No hollow logs. A Giant Kapok towered above adjacent trees.

It would have to do.

Here I’m mixing motivations and reactions, I know, but I’m doing so in an attempt to make the text feel more dramatic and less stilted. I separated the first two sentences because, alone, they have added tension - the paragraph ends with “He had to find shelter,” leaving the reader to wonder if he would find it. When that sentence is in the middle of a paragraph the tension is lessened. The critiqued paragraph that said, “No outcrops. No hollow logs. A Giant Kapok towered above adjacent trees,” felt empty to me. Nothing happens, it’s just what he sees. It makes more sense to me to attach it to his action of scanning the area. And last, I orphaned that last sentence to give it more emphasis and get us a little closer to the character.

These are just my ideas, and I don’t know if they are better - mostly they just feel more right to me. So let me finish with the huge disclaimer that Randy is published, and I am not, so if in doubt please do what Randy says first!

Blessings,
Hannah

Re my question: If a sentence reads A therefore B, does it count as a motivation followed by a reaction? Consider:

The ripping of dorsal feathers through his grasp caused a jolt of adrenalin.

Another question. I’ve been taught to always keep the dialogue of one character in a single paragraph and break the paragraph up with action tags. Some tags might be considered motivators. Which takes precedence, this rule or MRU rules?

Example: “Oops,” Adriel cried from the stern. The raft rammed into submerged roots and careened into the platybelodons. The bull bellowed and lowered its head. “Pull Left!”

Or

“Oops,” Adriel cried from the stern.

The raft rammed into submerged roots and careened into the platybelodons. The bull bellowed and lowered its head.

“Pull left!”

The second reads better, however since there are three people in the raft “Pull left!” requires another tag, which gets cumbersome and doesn’t read well.

Sigh.

Like this: “A sudden crack of thunder overhead made her jump.” Or “His long, deep sigh sounded so full of relief that it brought tears to her eyes.”

I could break them up but didn’t want choppy sentences. That would work with the thunder, I guess, but the other one is a scene end and needed to flow smoothly, imo.

A wee favor: I’m looking for specific reading suggestions on my latest blog post here: (http://camillecannon.blogspot.com/2008/11/hearing-voices.html)