Comments on: Critiquing Lynda #2

By: Daniel Smith

Daniel Smith — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 02:52:07 +0000

I think we all had trouble critiquing this one. No offense intended, Lynda. It really is a gripping bit of writing and I enjoyed reading, re-reading, and puzzling over it!

I think two commenters said that this should be broken up into separate paragraphs based on the MRUs. I haven’t read Swain yet (it’s in my Amazon wish list for a Christmas present) but is this a hard and fast rule? Most of what everyone submitted including my own was not so strict. So, is this more of a rule or more of a guideline?

Kudos again, Christina!

By: Adam Heine

Adam Heine — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 03:38:27 +0000

I was thinking the same thing as Daniel, actually. Although Randy’s version here is definitely better, I think following the MRU paragraph break rules this strictly leaves it with too many paragraphs. The paragraph breaks cease to mean anything.

I admit that breaking paragraphs by MRUs usually does improve a piece, but I don’t think it always works.

On the other hand, maybe if I followed the rule strictly myself I’d be published already

By: Sheila Deeth

Sheila Deeth — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 03:42:04 +0000

I always used to stay away from critiquing, but I enjoyed reading this. All the lessons on MRUs are certainly helping in my writing. Maybe I’ll try to pass them on to our little writers’ group next time I have to lead.

By: Lynda

Lynda — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 04:29:58 +0000

Thank you, Randy. I shall analyze your critique carefully. And, thank you everyone who submitted comments. They too are helpful.

The passage is the beginning of the second chapter. The first chapter opens with Alejandro in his office watching a massive blood bath in the streets below for which he is partially to blame. He is informed that soldiers are coming for him. He runs, but goes home first where he finds the bodies of his whole household.

When his head clears more, he will figure either the soldiers or a jaguar will get him.

By: Lynda

Lynda — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 11:50:57 +0000

Question. If you have a sentence that reads: A therefore B, does it count as a motivation followed by a reaction? Or should it be divided?

By: Lois

Lois — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:03:58 +0000

Thanks, Randy, for making good writing appear clearer without changing anything! And thanks,Lynda for a good piece of writing.

The separation into shorter paragraphs reads so much faster. Yesterday I had the feeling the descriptions were excessive, but just the separation relieves that impression and makes good writing better.

Thanks to you both.

By: Kathryn

Kathryn — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:31:33 +0000

Wow, a little bit of rearranging really made a difference!

I keep learning more with every crit!

By: Kristi Holl

Kristi Holl — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 02:29:43 +0000

I have to say that I was really amazed how much difference it made to rearrange the sentences into more M-R sequencing. It really smoothed it out and made it more clear.
Kristi Holl
Writer’s First Aid blog

By: Hannah L.

Hannah L. — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:51:04 +0000

I have a question. Is it ever okay to start a scene with a reaction? Something sort of like this:

“Ow!” Ava glared and rubbed her arm. “Cole Travis, I know that was you!” She shook her head. Just like Cole to slam you with a dirt clod when you weren’t looking.

Ava is the POV character, but her reaction comes first. I’d love some help with this one. It seems like otherwise, I’d be using a lot of onomatopoeia in my scene beginnings:

Thwack! Ava flinched as a lone dirt clod slammed into her shoulder.

Onomatopoeia is good sometimes, but I’ve found that it can sound a little silly if you don’t have the right word for the noise–and I think if one uses it a lot, it can get old pretty fast.

Thanks,
Hannah L.

By: Hannah L.

Hannah L. — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:52:11 +0000

Oops! I signed my name twice. Sorry!

Hannah L.

By: E.

E. — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 18:04:55 +0000

If we have a previous chapter establishing that he saw his dead household, I think you could be more subtle here. *We* needed to hear things like “the bloody bodies of Elena and their baby,” since otherwise we wouldn’t have any idea what’s gone on here, but your readers will already know.

So I think it might be better to refer to it more obliquely — kind of capturing what his mind might be doing at that time, which is being so utterly aware of what’s happened that he tries to block it out to minimally function. Try referring to the nursery without the bodies, for example, and see how it reads. Or even a flash of a memory of the *live* Elena and the baby (something specific, like remembering something Elena had said two days ago?).

By: Sherri

Sherri — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 21:38:44 +0000

Hannah, for what it’s worth… it’s a wonderful way to start off. I think the most important part is that the reaction is well constructed in your paragraph. You have the reflex first, followed by the rational action and speach. Well done.

By: Hannah L.

Hannah L. — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 17:40:23 +0000

Sherri,
Thank you! It isn’t actually anything I’m writing at the moment–I just made it up on the spot to illustrate my question. I hope it’s a good reflection of my WIP writing! I appreciate your opinion. I’d love to hear what anyone else has to say…

Grateful,
Hannah