Comments on: Critiquing Sina’i http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/ America's Mad Professor of Fiction Writing Wed, 08 Feb 2012 08:16:38 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.1.3 By: Kathryn http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6714 Kathryn Wed, 22 Oct 2008 02:24:00 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6714 Congrats Sina'i! You passed the MRU test! Congrats Sina’i! You passed the MRU test!

]]> By: Mark Goodyear http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6716 Mark Goodyear Wed, 22 Oct 2008 11:49:49 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6716 I have to say that Starfa is a fun character. I sympathize with him a bit since this is from his perspective, but I'm also laughing at him a bit. So, just for practice, would you say... Paragraph 1 = reaction Paragraph 2 = motivation Paragraph 3 = reaction Paragraph 4 = motivation Paragraph 5 = reaction Paragraph 6 = motivation I have to say that Starfa is a fun character. I sympathize with him a bit since this is from his perspective, but I’m also laughing at him a bit.

So, just for practice, would you say…

Paragraph 1 = reaction
Paragraph 2 = motivation
Paragraph 3 = reaction
Paragraph 4 = motivation
Paragraph 5 = reaction
Paragraph 6 = motivation

]]> By: Camille http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6718 Camille Wed, 22 Oct 2008 14:23:29 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6718 Agreed - flawless, Sina'i. Is this a finished novel? Sounds very good. Agreed - flawless, Sina’i. Is this a finished novel? Sounds very good.

]]> By: Sina'i Enantia http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6719 Sina'i Enantia Wed, 22 Oct 2008 14:30:15 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6719 Woohoo!!! I'd been a little worried, since most of my writing is in longer paragraphs like that, so I thought I would have missed something. Whether Starfa or Veylan actually ends up becoming king is one of the bbig questions of the story. Thanks for the critique, Randy! And Camille, this is a novel I started a few years ago and hit writer's block - I'm hoping to get the rough draft finished this year. Woohoo!!! I’d been a little worried, since most of my writing is in longer paragraphs like that, so I thought I would have missed something.

Whether Starfa or Veylan actually ends up becoming king is one of the bbig questions of the story.

Thanks for the critique, Randy!

And Camille, this is a novel I started a few years ago and hit writer’s block - I’m hoping to get the rough draft finished this year.

]]> By: Avily Jerome http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6720 Avily Jerome Wed, 22 Oct 2008 15:46:02 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6720 Nice work! Good luck on finishing it- can't wait to see how it turns out! Thanks for your critique, Randy! Your words of wisdom are always helpful and much appreciated! Nice work! Good luck on finishing it- can’t wait to see how it turns out!
Thanks for your critique, Randy! Your words of wisdom are always helpful and much appreciated!

]]> By: Davalynn http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6721 Davalynn Wed, 22 Oct 2008 16:48:59 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6721 Nice job, Sina'i! Nice job, Sina’i!

]]> By: Mary Hake http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6725 Mary Hake Wed, 22 Oct 2008 17:46:46 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6725 I just posted four paragraphs from my YA novel on the last post's comments. These two paragraphs come before those four--to whet your appetite and hope you'll read and critique the rest. They approached a sharp curve. Ryan didn’t ease up much. Ari felt the car begin to slide. Their tires hit loose gravel on the highway’s shoulder. They jerked back toward the middle of highway. Ryan fought to regain control, but the vehicle wouldn’t cooperate. They lunged again to the right. She heard a sickening scream, then realized it came from her own mouth. I just posted four paragraphs from my YA novel on the last post’s comments. These two paragraphs come before those four–to whet your appetite and hope you’ll read and critique the rest.

They approached a sharp curve. Ryan didn’t ease up much. Ari felt the car begin to slide. Their tires hit loose gravel on the highway’s shoulder. They jerked back toward the middle of highway.
Ryan fought to regain control, but the vehicle wouldn’t cooperate. They lunged again to the right.

She heard a sickening scream, then realized it came from her own mouth.

]]> By: Mary DeMuth http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6726 Mary DeMuth Wed, 22 Oct 2008 18:20:54 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6726 I'll be critiquing another portion of Sina'i's writing tomorrow at wannabepublished. I’ll be critiquing another portion of Sina’i’s writing tomorrow at wannabepublished.

]]> By: Ishwar http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6732 Ishwar Thu, 23 Oct 2008 07:34:33 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6732 Hello Randy, I have been one of your LBRs (loyal blog reader) for several weeks now and have learned and feel this site is one of the truly useful sites for writers who wish to polish their skills. The MRU concept provides an achievable if not an outright easy way of structuring scenes. Coming to Sina’i's post, the MRUs are perfectly laid out but there are a couple of things which could be better : 1)Sound : Could be improved, in particular by reducing the usage of "that" 2)POV : "Starfa" can be replaced by "He". Pronoun should be preferred with the noun only thrown in occassionally. Also, in Para 5, the second sentence does not require "He knew that" since we are already inside Starfa's head. 3)Dialogue : In real life, the king would not always take Starfa's name while talking to him unless he is stressing a point. For e.g. in the last para, the king would just say, "You don’t seem to understand what this means" Thanks, Ishwar Hello Randy,

I have been one of your LBRs (loyal blog reader) for several weeks now and have learned and feel this site is one of the truly useful sites for writers who wish to polish their skills. The MRU concept provides an achievable if not an outright easy way of structuring scenes.

Coming to Sina’i’s post, the MRUs are perfectly laid out but there are a couple of things which could be better :

1)Sound : Could be improved, in particular by reducing the usage of “that”

2)POV : “Starfa” can be replaced by “He”. Pronoun should be preferred with the noun only thrown in occassionally. Also, in Para 5, the second sentence does not require “He knew that” since we are already inside Starfa’s head.

3)Dialogue : In real life, the king would not always take Starfa’s name while talking to him unless he is stressing a point. For e.g. in the last para, the king would just say, “You don’t seem to understand what this means”

Thanks,
Ishwar

]]> By: Camille http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6737 Camille Fri, 24 Oct 2008 21:59:27 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6737 Hey everyone - I know mine's up next... but I'm flying through to wrap up the novel and came across this prime example of what gives me a headache about MRUs. If I follow the mru rules, every sentence is a separate paragraph, I think. But it looks weird. Okay, I KNOW, this text already sounds weird because it's the mush in the middle of a romance, so ignore <i>that</i> weirdness. Can anyone tell me if breaking each of these lines apart is right or wrong?? Or am I getting way too legalistic here? ======================================== What he was saying didn’t really sink in. The fact that he called and was not upset by her letter eclipsed all other thought. She leaned back against the doorframe and let out the breath she’d been holding. “I’ll tell you more about it when you arrive---you’re still coming, aren’t you?” “Yes.” <i>Three more weeks . . .</i> “Emily . . .” The sudden depth of his voice sent a warm shockwave through her. “Do you remember when we stopped that night? On the side of the road?” A shrill scream blasted from the teakettle. Emily jumped, heart pounding. “Hang on!” She dashed to the stove, moved the kettle off the burner, took a deep breath, then put the phone to her ear. But the drumming in her chest made her words come out sounding breathless. “Yeah . . . I remember.” <i>Are you kidding me? How could I forget?</i> Hey everyone - I know mine’s up next… but I’m flying through to wrap up the novel and came across this prime example of what gives me a headache about MRUs. If I follow the mru rules, every sentence is a separate paragraph, I think. But it looks weird. Okay, I KNOW, this text already sounds weird because it’s the mush in the middle of a romance, so ignore that weirdness. Can anyone tell me if breaking each of these lines apart is right or wrong?? Or am I getting way too legalistic here?

========================================
What he was saying didn’t really sink in. The fact that he called and was not upset by her letter eclipsed all other thought. She leaned back against the doorframe and let out the breath she’d been holding.

“I’ll tell you more about it when you arrive—you’re still coming, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” Three more weeks . . .

“Emily . . .”

The sudden depth of his voice sent a warm shockwave through her.

“Do you remember when we stopped that night? On the side of the road?”

A shrill scream blasted from the teakettle.

Emily jumped, heart pounding.

“Hang on!”

She dashed to the stove, moved the kettle off the burner, took a deep breath, then put the phone to her ear. But the drumming in her chest made her words come out sounding breathless.

“Yeah . . . I remember.” Are you kidding me? How could I forget?

]]> By: Kristi Holl http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6760 Kristi Holl Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:08:16 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2008/10/21/critiquing-sinai/#comment-6760 I really enjoy your columns, Randy. Usually I'm just lurking... It makes a good beginning to a writing day--or in this case, a good finish. Like a mini-workshop to jump start the little gray cells. <a href="http://kristiholl.com/" rel="nofollow">Kristi Holl</a> <a href="http://writers-first-aid.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Writer's First Aid blog</a> I really enjoy your columns, Randy. Usually I’m just lurking… It makes a good beginning to a writing day–or in this case, a good finish. Like a mini-workshop to jump start the little gray cells.
Kristi Holl
Writer’s First Aid blog

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