I am continuing to critique samples of writing that my loyal blog readers have posted here. For those of you who may be just tuning into this blog, we’re discussing those infamous “Motivation-Reaction Units” and you can read the theory about them in my article on Writing The Perfect Scene.
Today, it’s Doraine’s turn. Here’s what she posted:
Thanks Randy. This is a very helpful discussion. Here’s an excerpt from my Middle Grades novel. Four friends have named themselves The Menagerie. They are at the school playground near dark one night and see boys throwing paint on the school. Margaret is the main POV character.
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The other two tossed their empty cans on the grass and ran toward the darkest corner of the school yard.“Duck!” Tyrone whispered.
The Menagerie flattened themselves against the hill. Margaret felt like a hand was reaching into her chest and twisting her insides around until she couldn’t breathe at all.
Footsteps pounded above them. None of them dared to move.
Margaret tried to force breath back into her lungs, but there seemed no room inside her body for anything besides her pounding heart.
Tyrone sat up. Lily squirmed to her knees. Agatha propped up on her elbows, put both hands on her pigtails and pulled at them.
“Huugghh,” Agatha said, disgusted. “I can’t believe they did that. How awful.”
Margaret lay with her face in the grass, still trying to breathe.
“You okay?” Agatha nudged her with her elbow.
At the touch, something inside Margaret snapped like a rubber band and air rushed back into her lungs like water rushing over a broken dam. She choked, rolled to one side, and sucked in great gasps of air between coughs that shook her entire body.
Randy sez: This is nicely done! Let’s look at each Motivation-Reaction pair in turn:
Motivation #1:
The other two tossed their empty cans on the grass and ran toward the darkest corner of the school yard.
“Duck!” Tyrone whispered.
Reaction #1:
The Menagerie flattened themselves against the hill. Margaret felt like a hand was reaching into her chest and twisting her insides around until she couldn’t breathe at all.
Randy sez: The Motivation comes in two parts, one from the vandals, the second from Tyrone, who is Margaret’s friend but is not the POV character. Doraine has wisely put these in two separate paragraphs. The Reaction is also in two parts. The group all drop to the ground, including Margaret. Then she has a delayed emotive response, which is why it is shown AFTER the hit the ground. Margaret is either having a panic attack or asthma. In either case, it’s a good solid visceral “showing” of what she’s feeling.
Motivation #2:
Footsteps pounded above them. None of them dared to move.
Reaction #2:
Margaret tried to force breath back into her lungs, but there seemed no room inside her body for anything besides her pounding heart.
Randy sez: Here, I think it might make sense to break that Motivation into 2 paragraphs. It’s kind of a judgment call. In this case, I think it would raise the tempo just a wee bit, which is good. The Reaction here is again very solid–it’s pure physical response. We can feel exactly what Margaret’s feeling.
Motivation #3:
Tyrone sat up. Lily squirmed to her knees. Agatha propped up on her elbows, put both hands on her pigtails and pulled at them.
“Huugghh,” Agatha said, disgusted. “I can’t believe they did that. How awful.”
Reaction #3:
Margaret lay with her face in the grass, still trying to breathe.
Randy sez: Well done! The various parts of this compound Motivation let us see the entire group of kids. Then the Reaction lets us feel again with Margaret exactly what she’s feeling.
Motivation #4:
“You okay?” Agatha nudged her with her elbow.
Reaction #4:
At the touch, something inside Margaret snapped like a rubber band and air rushed back into her lungs like water rushing over a broken dam. She choked, rolled to one side, and sucked in great gasps of air between coughs that shook her entire body.
Randy sez: Excellent! The Motivation this time comes from her friend, and that physical touch is what Margaret needs in order to catch her breath. I’m going to bet this is a panic attack, not asthma, and it sounds to me like Doraine knows what it feels like. (So do I.) This is really good writing, Doraine! Aside from breaking that one paragraph into two, I don’t have any suggestions for improving it.