In addition to the changes Randy commented on, I really appreciate you bringing in Tahir’s name. Much more fitting than the anonymous “Joe.”

Good work, Katie! When do we get “the rest of the story?”

It’s a good revision, Katie.

I remember that in one of Randy’s newsletters he spoke of what order to put certain reactions. The fastest reactions happens first. (I think he used the example of a fight scene.) If I have this right, then shouldn’t Karel’s cheeks be dusted pink BEFORE the rage in her eyes fades to confusion? Most people blush instantly, but the word “fade” implies it takes a bit longer to happen.

Am I right? Or am I completely confused? Or does it not really matter?

Parker, the rest of the story resides mostly in my brain. I’m almost 20,000 words into the rough draft. This scene takes place a few chapters in. I do have the first chapter online (click my name above) but after this lesson it’ll need some MRU work!

Pam, I’m envisioning her thrusting her hands, palm down, onto the table in a quick motion.

Amy, the reactions happened in that order. Karel’s angry, then confused. Then, as Tahir continues to stare at her (new motivation, if this was from her POV), she gets embarrassed, and so she blushes (involuntary) and looks down (voluntary).

Doesn’t AS work if the two things are truly simultaneous? Or does it too often weaken a phrase?

Nice job, Katie.

What a good job you did with those few small changes! The section reads more smoothly; it rushes (as it should) through the heated dialogue and slows at the end, almost like a wave crashing on the shore and then receding. I, too, wondered about your use of “stabbed” for her hands on the table, and in your explanation later you mentioned they were palms-down. Maybe another word like “slammed” …? Just a thought.

Thanks for letting us learn through your before-and-after efforts.

Davalynn

The result of this action is that the body is no longer centered over the feet. If the table were not there, this position would result in the loss of balance and the person (Karel) would fall over. This action, moving from upright to bending forward and being supported by the table, is more important than the speed with which she moves her hands to the table.

All that said, the verb “stabbed” implies penetrating the surface of the table. “Slammed” (from Davalynn’s comment) implies force and possibly noise or movement in the table. Both focus the reader’s mental image on the action of the hands. It is the action of the body, leaning forward, getting closer to Tahir’s face, that is the most important (based on the conclusion of this sequence of events). Therefore, I would find Karel’s movement easier to visualize if I could see her arms become supporting pillars for her upper body. My suggestion would be that she “planted” her hands on the table.

I clicked your name and read chapter one. I read it as a reader searching for a P.E.E. without paying attention to scenes, structures and MRU’s.

I enjoyed reading it and would like to read more. Had you not posted the above paragraphs, I would have thought that Tahir may well doublecross Karel and take of with the stone.

As a matter of interest, is this Christian Fiction? In a fantasy novel? The only Christian fiction I have read so far was Randy’s TRANSGRESSION. It so much inspired me that I spent over 5 months translating it in Afrikaans.

Thanks for pointing us to chapter 1. I enjoyed both the writing and the story. Let us know when it’s published.

Ex:
I waved at him, but he focused on herding the students to their desks. What if I was forced to listen to a detailed lecture on forensics? The all too familiar agita churned.

I’m VERY new at this, but I was nonetheless about to put my theory forward when I realised it didn’t work!

I wanted to say that in your example, the thought or internal monologue is the motivation, and the subsequent feelings the reaction. THEN I remembered that the motivation needs to be external. In this case, the character is just thinking about something that would be external if it happened, and I’m confused…

Still, thought I’d let you know you’ve got me thinking, while someone else comes up with the ‘real’ answer!