Here is my sophomoric attempt to improve paragraph 5:

She stared at him, her breathing slowing.

She is too close to me. But it’s good to smell her breath and even better to watch her eyes fading from rage to confusion to embarrassment.

PS. Yes Sylvia. I know.

I understand “as her anger cooled” is telling and leaving “her breath slowed” would be showing. Could you add another description, like “The red in her face faded” to clarify the cooling of her anger? Or is it necessary.

I agree with Randy about the action tags, especially after “Joe’s” first remark in this segment. Since we haven’t read anything earlier in this story, he’s faceless. I’d like to see him or his physical reaction/movement.

In the next graph, an action tag could be added following, “and you’re complaining because he’s confident about his work?” Maybe this could be where Karel moves in closer.

The “question stung” graph could be used for “Joe” to take a step closer. This way, they’re not just suddenly in each other’s space.
In the next graph, I’m put off by the “ings” (something I first heard from Randy at a writer’s conference): “She stared at him, her breathing slowing as her anger cooled. He realized he could feel her breath on his lips, which meant she was far too close to him, but he didn’t want to look away, watching her eyes fade from rage to confusion to embarrassment.” Sometimes there’s no way around the “ings” (gerunds), and they can be used to slow things down. But I’m curious about how this graph would read without them, though you may want to keep “breathing” as it is. Also, does Joe realize he feels her breath, or does he simply feel it?

Thanks for allowing us to learn through your posting. And of course, now I want to know what happens!

DC

Dwight V. Swain, in his book, Techniques of the Selling Writer, (University of Oklahoma, 1965) says: “After you find your feeling, rules come in handy . . . help you to figure out the best way to capture in words whatever it is that so excites you. But the feeling itself must always remain dominant. Though rules may shape your story, you yourself must shape the rules.”

So we don’t break rules — any rules — carelessly or indiscriminately. We may break them once in awhile with intent — knowing that this is the best way.

Everyone knows that it is wrong to break someone else’s window. However, if we see their house is on fire and someone is desperately trying to get out, we feel justified in breaking their window and saving the person’s life. We’ll even be applauded for it.

I’m only objecting to too many “ands” and “buts” at the beginning of sentences. We tend to get careless once we break a rule — and it works for us.

Let’s break rules only if the sentence reads better that way. Then break it gladly — with intent.

Karel barely let the door swing shut before turning on him. “What is with you? First you treat me like some empty-headed dolt only good for a kitchen, then you try to ruin the deal with the only guide we have available!”

“The man is an arrogant pig!”

“Who cares? Of course he’s arrogant – he’s the best guide in the area! He’s willing to take us to Paravel at the swing of an ax, knowing his earltan is after you, and you’re complaining because he’s confident about his work?” She stabbed her hands on the table between them. “You’re the one who’s too arrogant. You’re willing to throw our lives away for one condescending remark?”

The question stung. “You’re willing to risk your own country to prove you’re my equal. Why do you think I was trying to lead the conversation?” He bent forward and lowered his voice. “If he thought this was all my idea, he’d be less curious about your motives. I was trying to protect your identity!”

She stared at him, her breath choppy.

Tahir felt her breath on his lips, which meant she was far too close to him. He couldn’t look away. He didn’t want to.

The rage in her eyes faded to confusion. Pink dusted her cheeks. She looked down and leaned back, away from him. “I’m sorry.”

The “far too close to him” seems a bit like a motivation, but since she isn’t moving, he’s just noticing her closeness, I placed it as a reaction. Is this correct?

She stared at him, her breathing slowing as her anger cooled. He realized he could feel her breath on his lips, which meant she was far too close to him, but he didn’t want to look away, watching her eyes fade from rage to confusion to embarrassment.

I’d feel more sure-footed if the first two sentences read:

Karel barely let the door swing shut before turning on him.
“What is with you, Tahir?…” That would identify the POV quickly.

Also the word “dolt” seems masculine to me. What about a more feminine, still condescending word - dairymaid, scullery maid, - because you do have her refer to the kitchen.

I like the hint at her identity. Methinks she’s the princess of the castle, not the maid. And from her “choppy” breath on down to the end of the piece, it’s so much livelier.

Good work.

You can show by using the word “as.”

What happens when someone’s anger cools? Her face relaxes. The pinch between her forehead smooths. The crows feet by her eyes smooth. Her lips go from pursed to full again. Perhaps her jaw drops a bit, leaving her lips parted. Her shoulders drop, relaxed. She stops fidgeting with her fingers.

Now you can show her anger cooling, and you can use the word as.

As she breathed out slowly, her shoulders dropped and relaxed. She stopped fidgeting with her shirt, and then the pinch of skin between her brows smoothed out. When lastly her jaw relaxed and her lips parted, her warm breath touched John’s face.

This meant she was far too close to him, but he didn’t care to look away. Her lovely feature, something he never truly noticed before, captivated him.

Confusion flooded her eyes, and then her cheeks blushed. She looked down, leaning away from him, and said, “I’m sorry.”