I like trying to figure out from contextual clues what kind of culture/setting/universe the characters are in, and what the main problem is. It adds to the suspense for me. If I were to read that paragraph in a book, I’d expect maybe something a little more to put it completely in context (like, “Dudes, the Earth just exploded and we’re all going to die from lack of supplies.” Or something), then a section break and the story would pick up a couple hours/days/weeks before the destruction of the Earth.

You certainly need time and experience to get used to this writing lark, that’s becoming more and more obvious to me recently.

I guess with my experience of 15 years as a web developer I’d be able to similarly critique peoples early attempts at websites, and the problems would seem as obvious to me as ours appear to be obvious to Randy.

Note to self: learning can’t be rushed.

Ginny, I’m really curious about your great leader. What’s so special about him that he gets to be the first? You’re so far in the future that we need to name the galaxy but no one else in the unknown thousands of years of recorded history counts? Those are some big shoes for this guy to fill. I really want to see him in action and hear the characters talk about him before he gets blown up - or does the blowing up, as the case may be.

Good imagery of emotion and atmosphere packed into a few words: contorted face; speakers blasting; strident, triumphant voice… I can picture a victorious, but evil, dictator screaming away–(someone you love to hate)–but “great leader” seems to suggest goodness or greatness of character, which doesn’t seem to fit the picture. I know, someone with powerful leadership skills can be evil. I think it’s just the word “great” that could be made more revealing.

Intriguing though, and I’d like to see what’s coming. Keep at it, Ginny.

QUESTION: Are you still writing, Randy? You share about so many things you’re doing. I can’t imagine how you do it all. Do you keep a daily count of words or pages? I’m only asking because I’m waiting on your next book

Is this author intrusion? It looks like everyone’s POV, but if something happened that they didn’t know about, it must be something the author is telling the reader. I’m not sure.

But Randy’s suggestion is great. We do need to have someone to care about before a calamity. It keeps us reading.

Of course, we appreciate you, too Randy!! Thank you so much for this blog !!!!!!

Thanks for the critique and all the comments, everyone. It’s so good to hear different impressions, especially from people who don’t have the story in their head and don’t know what the author knows. That gets to be a challenge sometimes. That’s why a good critique group is priceless. If you don’t have one, find one!!

(Gee, I didn’t know my paragraph post would stir up dissention. Let’s all have a slice of birthday cake and be friends.)

I am intrigued by Ginny’s story too - I already was when I heard about it from her at MT Hermon. and can’t wait to see it published.

Randy nailed it - the actual event would be breathtaking if we witnessed it, and would be a very powerful emotional experience if we could see it through a character’s eyes.

Like the car wreck analogy; we could witness the thing first hand and feel a bit more touched, or we could know the people in the car and be far more impacted. Of course, we could actually be IN the car and have a powerfully visceral experience. Who wouldn’t slap down a wad of cash for a gut wrenching experience!

Feel free to disagree with me; just don’t throw cake. It’ll make a mess.

I was confused by the word “cabin”. I know that it is a correct term, but a vision of a log cabin popped into my head uninvited.

Could you think about giving the leader a name here? Perhaps you could give a name and then let the reader find out who the person is later?

I think its a great start to your end time story. Good job!

I agree with you, also, in that I don’t reread first paragraphs. I don’t have time. You either have me in the first paragraph or two, or I don’t read the book. Period. My time is too valuable no matter what kind of reviews the book gets. I read the jackets, too, and if the jacket doesn’t grab me, forget it.

Dwight Swain says to always start the story just before, during, or just after something changes. This is clearly a huge change, but it’s so significant that you’re going to need flashbacks later to give the necessary background. If it’s any comfort, I’m having the exact same issue, Ginny, of wanting to start with a real bang, but I hating to use flashbacks.

Randy, is it ok or generally frowned upon to have an action packed prologue with Chapter One going back to just before it happens? How about just a paragraph or two for the exciting hook on a page before Chapter One? I’ve seen this done recently, and it lets you know that major action is coming, even if it’s a slower start to chapter one. Also, my work is directed to a juvenile audience, does this make a difference to what is appropriate here?

ps
Doh! I used italics for inner thoughts in the piece I sent you for workshop this weekend. (hangs head in shame).

Camille, I have often gone back to reread the first paragraph for clarification, and have even found plot clues that I missed because I didn’t understand the story well enough to see them the first time.

Randy sez: You have a terrific scene in the making here. I think we are coming in on it too late to have the emotional impact that you want, though.. . . So I would suggest that you start the story a little sooner.

Ginny sez: RANDY, you’ve just opened up a whole nother intriguing can of worms for me. (I know “nother” is not a word, but it should be.) I’m back to the drawing board with great enthusiasm!

It might be interesting to you to know that you have seconded Donald Maass’ opinion (which doesn’t surprise me, since you’re so smart). When I showed him my original Chapter One (which is now Chapter Two and on its way to becoming Chapter Three, thanks to you) at the Surrey International Writer’s Conference, he said he couldn’t connect with my main character. I tried to fix that with this present opening (farther on in the chapter) but I think your idea is the real solution. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

On the technical note, I used “nanosecond” because this “explosion” turns out to be something other than what we, in this four-dimensional world, call “nuclear.” It’s the “instant” (hence, faster than microseconds) re-making of the world that happens when Christ returns to set up His new kingdom.

A TECHINCAL, SCIENTIFIC QUESTION FOR YOU, RANDY, IF YOU HAVE TIME TO ANSWER: CAN THERE BE MORE THAN ONE TYPE OF “NUCLEAR” RADIATION? IF MY “EXPLOSION” ORIGINATES FROM OUTSIDE THIS FOUR-DIMENSIONAL WORLD, COULD THE RESULTING RADIATION BE CALLED “NUCLEAR”? OR IS “NUCLEAR” TOO SPECIFIC A TERM?

Thanks to the rest of you for your amazingly helpful input!

LISA, your idea of using this opening and then going back is a possibility. I’ll think about it, though I’ve heard flashbacks actually slow down the action too much to be useful, especially at the beginning.

CARRIE, your comment about “great” meaning “good” is very helpful. I’ll try and fix that. Though my characters would have considered him great, you’re right, he’s not a good guy. As for other world leaders, we’re not very far into the future (2025ish), and he’s the first GLOBAL world leader (the anti-Christ in biblical terms) I think I need to clarify that. And he does not do the blowing up, though the characters think he has. His “blowing up” coincidentally comes at the same time as Jesus’ return to re-make everything.

PAM: The POV is objective–good observation–and my nanosecond comment might be author intrusion. I’ll have to study that possiblity. I used objective POV in this chapter because I wanted to develop my main character from outside his POV, hoping that might make him more mysterious and intriguing, thus solving Donald Maass’ objection. I don’t think it worked, but I think Randy’s idea will. When I do the re-write this problem will probably disappear. I hope.

CAMILLE: I love you! You’re so supportive. And I can’t wait to see your book in print! I like chocolate e-cake.

BONNIE: Good insight. Inside the character’s head it will be. And thanks for the “cabin” comment. I had the same reaction to the word (!) but not sure how to fix it.

BONNIE F: Exactly. But I think the reason I’ve had such a hard time coming up with a good beginning (the rest of the novel is wonderful! lol) is because I haven’t yet started back far enough. It doesn’t work to start with this “bang” without more background. There’s too much the readers don’t know yet that they need to. But I’m excited now about making that background information interesting enough to hook the readers. I wonder what would be different about juvenile audiences? Hmm.

BARBARA: Yes, it would work I think. Good advice. I’ll work at putting tension in the pre-bang scenes.

FAY: Thanks for your insight. I’ll do it. And thanks for saying you’d buy the book!

JULIE: Thanks to you too. I hope it’s high concept. I’m not sure yet.

You’re all wonderfully helpful. I’m glad I found you.

.

Wow. I wasn’t expecting that.

In Jennifer Robison’s Lady of the Forest, the prologue is actually a scene that occurs closer to the end of the book. (The book is another retelling of the Robin Hood legend, btw. And also, it’s been a little while since I actually read it, so hopefully, I’m not screwing up the details too much.) The scene in question is one where Marian has been captured by the Sheriff of Nottingham, William de Lacey, who is trying to convince her to marry him, and takes place in his dungeon.

This scene is very dark and intense. It’s not a high action scene - it’s about emotion, specifically courage, I think. I can’t quite remember if the scene actually gets repeated in the main story or not - I don’t think it does. We also, of course, see the events that happened after the prologue scene, and we know exactly where the prologue fits into the story. But after the prologue, we go back in time to where the story began, with Marian going to a feast. I don’t believe it’s a flashback, really, though I don’t know what else to call it. Perhaps the prologue is considered a scene out of time?

And from what I’ve seen of it, it looks like your novel is NOT a historically based novel, and that this might not work for you. Anyway, it was just an example.

For some reason, I’m really bad at sticking everything I want to say into one comment. I end up posting a dollar’s worth of thoughts, then realizing I forgot something, and adding in another two cents…