Thanks also to all those who submitted paragraphs. I’m learning oodles from you.

11 February 1990.

“Madiba! Madiba!”

13 year old Simon Skosana was chanting the affectionate nickname of Nelson Mandela with the crowd outside Victor Verster Prison. At 16h40 Mr. Mandela left the administration building, smiling and waving.

Simon felt his heart jumping. “This man was sent to prison 14 years before I was born!” he thought.

Thanks, Randy! We’re getting invaluble tutoring here. All our work can be sifted through everything you write to the others.

I understand the need for clarity, but it’s difficult to get all the things you ask for (characters, relationships, the essence of the situation, less secretive) within 50 words.
I do tend to hint at the hidden things in my openings, so will work on that — without promising to reveal them I’ll be interested to see if Camille does revise her paragraph. I’d read on, even without any changes, because it is fast moving.

As an exercise I’m going to read over more of the original paragraphs to see if I can guess how Randy might recommend changes.

I recognized immediately that Maggie and Granny were the same person, and that (in all probability) the mystery (off camera, as it were) voice in the third paragraph saying “That’s far enough!” is Ian’s pursuer, or at least someone who will interfere with his escape, fulfilling the “almost” of line one.

I find myself skeptical that the contemporary reader won’t wait through 46 words until paragraph 4 to have another clue in the story line unfold.

I stand ready to be corrected. I’m normally just a lurker on this blog, and this is the first time I’ve made such an analytical comment. But there it is.

Daan… your revised paragraph was a great improvement. Good work!

To Randy and Lois once again thank you.

One question Randy & all: Do you find yourself rereading first paragraphs in books after you’ve read a bit because it doesn’t really click until you get a little more info, or is it just me? I read a book “The Lost Mother” by Mary McGarry Morris and while the opening paragraph was well written, I didn’t get what was going on for a while (I’m a little dense) & had to go back & read it to appreciate the poignancy of the opening. The writing hooked me before the storyline.

Okay . . . . I can kill Granny but need to explain soon that Maggie is the Granny he lives with. I thought it was clear that Maggie and Granny both own the old truck he’s aiming for.

I tacked on a speaker attribution for that line of dialogue (from the metaphorical pool of words associated with Claire’s persona—please, someone tell me you get the inference)

I’ll cheat again and give y’all the second paragraph, which tells you, albeit still coy, who is speaking. In Janey’s day, I guess they didn’t have anything better to do than to go on and read the second paragraph.

Does this help?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ian MacLean nearly escaped.

He made it to the edge of the lamp-lit street with only four hard strides bridging the gap between him and his freedom: Maggie’s farm truck. Even in the pallid streetlight, the old rattletrap never looked so good.

“That’s far enough!” Claire’s voice rang out like a shot.

A low growl rumbled up from his throat, but instead of stopping, Ian sprinted across the road, digging into the pocket of his jeans for the key. He reached the truck and behind him, a car spattered up rain from the pavement, blaring the horn as it passed. At Claire, no doubt. Some things never changed. He had to be the only man in Scotland whose older sister still trailed him like a bullet if she thought he wasn’t sharing. Didn’t matter what it was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I agree Daan - much improved. You might drop the “he thought’ at the end and turn that line into direct thought or interior monologue. Now we have a character through whom we can experience what’s taking place.

I like Daan’s revision. I don’t think he needs the words he thought. It’s clear. Isn’t it best not to use tags unless needed for clarity?

Could you comment on when to use Italics for thoughts? I’ve heard conflicting advice.

“That’s far enough!” Claire’s voice rang out like a shot.

feels like the dialogue attribute is telling, though. It pulled me out a little and made me think about how that would sound rather than just hearing it the first time (which it already sounded pretty abrupt to me.)

Wow, reading all of these comments makes me start chewing my nails for mine coming up. I can already see glaring weaknesses in my five lines or so–but, that’s a good thing! (That I’m starting to see them, I mean. Not 100% sure how to fix them, yet.) Thanks for doing this, Randy!

Making the journey up Mt. Hira was no small feat. Bent at the hips, hands on his knee’s, Muhammad at last had reached his destination. The last embankment was torture; red rocks littered the mountain’s narrow path waiting to break his ankle, blind cliffs’ begging to take his life.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I have much to add. Camille, Daan - both of your revised versions sound much better.

I do have to say that I (sort of) disagree with Randy on one point. I actually liked the “That’s far enough!” line by itself, without any other indicators. It gives the sentence an abruptness which I think works for the scene very well. Of course, I’d have expected to find out who the speaker was in the next sentence. I just don’t think it needed to be in the same sentence as the dialogue. I’m also echoing David’s comment that I thought it was pretty clear that Ian’s pursuer was the speaker, and that it wasn’t quite as important who the pursuer was, yet.

I do have a quick, off-topic question, Randy. I read through the archives of the blog through Google Reader. As it turned out, I hadn’t actually refreshed the page in a couple of days, and so when I saw the submission for first paragraphs, it was at the top of the list, as most current. I thought, “Well, I’d better jump on this right now!” And I posted my paragraph.

Without checking the date.

My technical question is: the way your blog is set up, do you see comments for older entries as they come in, or do you only look at the comments for the newest entry? Just wondering, because I know on a community like Livejournal, I get comments e-mailed to me, usually current, but every once in awhile, on something I posted or commented on a long time ago, because someone else had just come across it.

That question was not as quick as I thought it would be. Oh well.

Thanks again for being such a great teacher, Randy!

Sorry, I didn’t realize there was a 50 word limit.

Randy, if it’s possible, would you use this revision, now sitting on 50 words.

‘Mum!’ Rissa yelled as her mum ran up the staircase. ‘It’s just a photo album!’
Rissa spun to confront her dad. ‘You’re the one that got us into this.’
The knuckles of his hands whitened as he tipped his head back and shouted up the stairs, ‘Lauren, it’s nearly sunset!’