Please forgive my audacity, but allow me.

Remember, the motivation is external and the reaction internal. They can NEVER be in the same paragraph. Roderick is our POV character.

Roderick McLeod stepped out of his galley and onto the boat dock. He straightened his tartan and squared his shoulders. With head held proudly up and firm, decisive step, he presented an air of confidence. (motivation)

He didn’t feel confident at all. What does Donald Gorme, regent for clan McDonald, want? (reaction)

Roderick scanned the landing with wary eyes. (motivation)

There was no sign of an ambush. (reaction)

Gorme was standing motionless near the center of an open space. He carried no weapons. (motivation)

Roderick was not deceived. Gorme undoubtedly wore a dirk and possibly a light sword concealed beneath his kilt, and a sgian dhu in his stocking and boot. (reaction)

Just this far. This is only my sophomore opinion but I hope it is of some value to you.

John, when I read “shunt” I immediately thought medicine. When you tell me who we’re mad at, maybe you could work in a bit more physics-y stuff with it?

Randy, in your rewrites for Patty, I especially appreciated the way you simplified that last sentence by removing the “as” and changing the dependent clause into a simple sentence. I’m not completely opposed to dependent clauses and complex sentences when I edit, but I always question them.

Thanks. That helps a lot. Looking forward to seeing what help you give others.

Randy, I’m very interested in hearing more about where that line is between pov IM and authorial voice. I feel naturally closer to one of my main characters for some reason than the other (and it’s not the one you’d think), and I think the second character’s IM is too distant and may have that intrusive authorial feel. Can’t wait to hear more.

I can see how looking at such a variety of writing samples will open up great topics. There are a couple samples down the list I can’t wait to hear your comments on. This is so cool!!

By the way, I had trouble with the link for this page in today’s email notice. It wouldn’t open this page. Said it couldn’t be found. I had to use the link for yesterday’s blog. It is a direct link to your site.

I’ve had this happen a couple of other times. Just thought you might want to know that occassionaly there seems to be a problem with the redirect from the feedblitz links.

I have a small comment. I found starting with 2nd person then jumping to 3rd person a bit jarring. Maybe that was the intent?

The situation is that he did an experiment once. it worked. But no one else can make it work: it destroys the lab.

He is angry at the situation because he knows he is right but now he is being pressured to recall his findings and admit it was fake, so i guess it is the situation.

Won’t that be a bit too much info for an opening sentence though?

As he read the report, Jeffrey’s dream slid further away. He punched the maglift wall. He cursed and cradled his bruised knuckles.
MIT had tried to replicate his Shunt experiment. Their lab had exploded.
Jeffrey screwed the report into a ball and threw it at the floor. That was the tenth failure! Tenth! What the hell was going wrong? Now he was looking down the barrel of a retraction and expulsion form the science department.
Failure. Mankind needed this. He needed this. And he was going to lose.