Advanced Fiction Writing Blog

I’m getting packed to leave for a conference tomorrow, so tonight’s blog will be shortish. I will try to keep to my regular schedule of blogging–blogs should appear Monday through Friday, leaving us all to recover on the weekend. We’ll see if I can manage that, because conferences really are a ton of fun, and it’s too easy to hang out in the hotel lobby talking to the other loons until all hours of the night.

Judith posted this sample author bio a couple of days ago:

Originally trained as a teacher of English, Judith Robl has morphed through more than the requisite seven career changes. She’s worked in varied milieu from adult care facillites to petroleum production, with forays into printing, publishing, real estate and accounting.

She is a member of the National Society Daughters of the American Revolution, having been the organizing regent of her local chapter. Her novel, Patience, evolved from her desire to be a fly on the wall in her ancestor’s household, when the menfolk were read out of Quaker meeting for their participation in the American Revolution.

Judith and her husband have occupied the same home in central Kansas for the past 37 years.

Randy sez: The strong part of this is paragraph 2, where we learn that Judith’s forebears forebore to foreswear arms-bearing in the American Revolution. And that’s what her novel’s about.

See, a good publicist could make hay out of that. It won’t get Judith on Oprah, but there are a ton of radio folks out there scrambling every day to put together the programming. So Judith’s publicist calls them up and says, “Hey, did you know that in the American Revolution, there were men who got tossed out of the Quakers for fighting? And we’ve got one of their descendants who’s researched it all up. And by the way, she even wrote a novel. Interested?”

Truth to tell, not all radio folks will be jazzed by this. But some of them will, and that’s the point. That puts Judith on the radio, and she gets a bit of name-recognition. It all adds up over time.

So Judith, put that second paragraph first, and juice it up as much as it will bear. The rest of it’s all fine, but you want the glitzy stuff first.

Destiny asked a few questions a couple of days ago:

1) How fun/teasing can your bio be? Like where you talk about how John’s gone to Mars. Is it possible that an editor would not take it in it’s funny intentions?

2) What kind of credentials can you have for fantasy? A degree is philosophy? A degree is Wicca? An ardent knowledge of many popular fantasy books? And if you are a lawyer or a doctor writing a fantasy book, is it taken as against you? Should you simply avoid mentioning it? Is there anything you MUST mention is your bio?

Randy sez: I referred to your question 1 obliquely a few days ago, but it bears repeating. Humor is good. It will hurt you with some editors and help you with others. If you’re going to use humor, make sure it’s really good, so it’ll help more than it hurts. With John Olson’s bio, he applied the humor with a fairly light touch. Yesterday, when we looked at Christophe’s bio, it was laid on quite a bit thicker and with that comes added risk. However, Christophe just has to find ONE editor who’s also a werewolf, and he’s found a friend.

As for question 2, the only credentials needed for fantasy are the ability to write fantasy. A strong background in medieval studies can help. The novels of J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, and J.K. Rowling all reveal a lot of study in medieval history.

A degree in philosophy could help, IF you are writing a fantasy in which philosophical study is important. Likewise, a background in Wicca could help a fantasy writer with a Wiccan slant. A lot of reading of other fantasies is very important, since you want to avoid being called “derivative”–the kiss of death in fantasy writing. A doctor or lawyer writing a fantasy might want to mention that fact if they are writing one that involves herbal healing or legal dealing. If not, then it’s not helpful.

The general rule is to tie your life as closely as possible to your story. You want the editor believing that no person on the planet could possibly be better suited to writing your story than YOU.

OK, I better go finish packing for that pesky conference.

What’s our next topic? Leave a comment and let me know what you’d like to talk about next.

As of last week, we were talking about how to write your author bio for your novel proposal. A number of Loyal Readers posted sample author bios for me to critique. I reviewed several of them, including Camille’s, which had some good features in it, and revealed some paradoxes in Camille’s nature. I thought it was rather funny that Camille was writing a novel that seemed to be at odds with who she actually is. But I may not have been clear about that:

Karla wrote:

I’m going to think about this one long and hard. I happen to be what people would consider “normal” (except for the the nice nail part — pianists and typists don’t get to have those). This Randyism made me go “ouch,” and I felt kind of sad. I don’t like to read romance novels but I do like to write romance into my novels. It makes me sad there are too many “nice, sweet romance writers” out there! I’m not expressing myself very well (the natives are restless here) but I’ve copied this statement into my “Randyisms” file to ponder on it.

Randy sez: Karla, I didn’t say there are too many nice sweet romance writers out there. I said that the world has enough of them. As in “about the right number.” The marketing problem for them is that there are so many of them, all seemingly pretty similar. What I thought Camille should try to tap into is whatever it is in her personality that makes her write “sweet romances” when she clearly doesn’t think she’s typical of writers of “sweet romances.” Uniqueness sells. If Camille can figure out what makes her the way she is, then she can use that as a marketing hook.

Like a number of you, I liked Christophe’s bio. I thought maybe it could be tightened up, but humor is a touchy thing to tighten up. Here’s his original:

Christophe Desmecht is self-proclaimed Euro Trash. Not in the actual sense of the term, but just because he likes the sound of it. Living in Belgium, the heart of Europe, he hopes to dig deep into the mystical past of the continent and produce some fiction that’s both enjoyable and mind-challenging at the same time.

He enjoys writing about werewolves and nutjobs, and though he claims to be neither, he also states he’s properly house-trained and the newspapers should come off the carpet soon. He also doesn’t howl at the moon… anymore.

I think the second paragraph is stronger than the first. The first starts well but then begins to sound apologetic. So here’s how I’d tighten it up:

Euro Trash novelist Christophe Desmecht lives in Brussels, the heart of Europe’s dark and mystical past. He enjoys writing about werewolves and nutjobs and sincerely believes that is normal. Christophe’s keepers have signed an affidavit that he is properly house-trained and that he has quit howling at the moon. He hopes this will drive a stake through the heart of the rumors that have dogged him for years.

There of course needs to be more stuff in the bio than this, but it’s a start.

D.E. Hale wrote:

Ok, after that my mind is just going all over the place. Like Camille, I seem to be a contradiction of sorts, but I don’t know what to do with that revelation. I’m a plain-jane homeschooling mommy of 3 who is also the wife of a minister, BUT I like to write Christian Fantasy that is in no way all nicey-nicey. It’s very blunt. For the characters to survive the story, they must travel down a very hard, and bloody road. One of my friends actually told me I needed to tone down all the “blood and guts”.

So, why do I write that stuff??? Hmmm…I’m going to be thinking about that one for awhile. I mean, do I have a deeper reason? I don’t think so. I just wrote it that way because it was necessary for the story to be right. I love those kinds of stories that really tug at your soul and make you think, and that’s what I want to do for others - make them think about their faith.

I may have just stumbled upon something. So would that be the tie? I mean, that fact that I’ve been the wife of a minister/missionary for nearly 20 years? If it is, how is that marketable? Even as missionaries we never did anything revolutionary or anything. What would be interesting enough about me to market?

Randy sez: Yikes, a nice missionary lady/minister’s wife/home-schooling mummy! Before I have tea with you, I think I’m going to make sure you don’t have a knife hidden up your sleeve. And maybe I’ll let the cat try the tea first to make sure it isn’t poisoned.

I do think you should tap into this contradiction in some way. Exactly how you do it isn’t clear, but you should ask yourself WHY you like this kind of book. The answer will tell you something marketable about yourself.

Holly wrote:

Question: Will an editor cast off an author when they learn the author is under 25? It got me thinking, because all these bios have oodles of life experience and here I am young and gung-ho. And then there’s all the plagiarism scandals with young writers. I read on another author’s site that no one has anything to write before they are 40 - but this writer doesn’t believe that (and has the manuscripts to prove it!)

In other words, can my age hurt my ability to publish, no matter how strong the writing? Can my age hurt my ability to market? Is there anything special I need to do to play it down or play it up?

Randy sez: Because of the plagiarism scandals, you’ll not be able to play it up the way you could have just a few years ago. The editors have learned to be suspicious of very young writers who have excellent craft. HOWEVER, talented young writers will always be in demand.

I’ve heard that comment about “you have nothing to say before you’re 40.” I don’t believe it. Norman Mailer published THE NAKED AND THE DEAD in 1948 when he was right around 25. That was after fighting in World War II. He had plenty to say.

I would phrase the comment this way. “You have nothing to say until you know you’re going to die.” A lot of people don’t realize that until they’re 40. Actually, some of them don’t realize that until they’re 80. Anyone who fought in World War II was all too aware of their own mortality, and therefore had something to say.

In any event, whether you have anything to say, it is still worth learning the craft of writing fiction so you’ll be ABLE to say something when you finally have it to say. So I would suggest you not worry about this age thing. If you write well, then editors won’t care how old you are.

Looks like we hit a nerve yesterday when I suggested you submit your author bios for critique. A LOT of you responded. I’ll look at some of them today. A few comments, first:

1) Yes, Christophe, there’s a Dublin in California. There’s also a Paris in Pennsylvania, a London in Texas, a Madrid in New York, and a Cairo in Tennessee. We are just a bunch of copycats here in the US, and no mistake.

2) A bio should be written in the third person. Randy feels very weird talking about himself in third person, but he’s getting used to it. Randy also has written press releases about himself in third person, and that is even weirder. “When you quote yourself, you start wondering if the whole news business is just one big scam,” Randy says without a trace of irony.

3) Several of you are exhibiting angst over the fact that you have no qualifications. Remember, you just need to tie your fiction to your real life. What genre do you write, and why? What is it in you that drives you to write that kind of fiction? How can you reveal a bit of your personality within your bio? All of these are at least as important as academic degrees, which really only matter if your novel is one of those that requires oodles of research.

4) You are allowed to be funny in your bio, but if you try it, you’d better actually BE funny. There is nothing worse than a joke that falls flat in a bio. Whimsy is good, in small doses, for the right kinds of books. John’s bio had a bit of whimsy, and it worked. I don’t whim well, so I wouldn’t try it. If you put humor in your bio and it’s really funny and the editors don’t get it, then it was probably best that you not work with them anyway.

OK, let’s pick out a few bios that I thought were pretty strong:

Brett wrote:

B. D. McLaughlin is a bestselling and award-winning non-fiction author. His books on computer programming, home theater, and analysis and design have sold in excess of 100,000 copies. He has been writing, editing, and producing technical books for nearly a decade, and is as comfortable in front of a word processor as he is behind a guitar, chasing his two sons around the house, or laughing at reruns of Arrested Development with his wife.

Aftermath is Brett’s first fiction novel, but his short stories and writing skills have been garnering lots of attention in 2007. He is a book reviewer for Infuze Magazine and a regular guest lecturer at Dallas’ First Baptist Academy, where he teaches creative writing. He’s been asked to teach a concentrated course in Professional Writing for students intending to major in writing-related degrees. His short story “Change of Heart” was published online at the Relief Writer’s Network, and is set for inclusion in the second issue of Coach’s Midnight Diner, a genre publication of Christian-influenced short stories.

Randy sez: First paragraph is strong. Those sales numbers let the editors know that you’ve moved some copies.

Paragraph 2 needs a little work. First off, “fiction novel” is redundant, since all novels are fiction. The second part of the first sentence is a little vague. Let’s examine it in some detail: “but his short stories and writing skills have been garnering lots of attention in 2007.”

What does this mean? Did any short stories get published? If so, where? Did they win an award? If so, how big of an award?

The parts about teaching writing are probably less relevant, since teaching is easier than doing, and many teachers haven’t been published. Likewise, publishing online is not regarded as a hard thing to do, so the sentence about that probably isn’t pulling its own weight here.

Can you tie in your life experiences to what you write? I don’t know what genre you’re writing, but the bio should fit the genre, if possible.

Jane wrote:

Since turning to Christian writing, Jane Robertson has contributed to Chicken Soup for the Soul Celebrates Mothers (2003), Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul (2005), and A Cup of Comfort Devotional (2004). She worked as a movie reviewer for crosshome.com from 2002 through 2004. She has also sold articles to the Dawkins Project’s Celebrations: Notes to My Grandfather and Kimberly Ripley’s second collection, Breathe Deeply: The Extended Family and Beyond.

Robertson attended Mount Hermon’s Christian Writer’s Conference in 2004 and again in 2006, the latter year as a participant in Brandilyn Collins’ novel writers’ seminar. In November 2005 she took part in Karen Ball’s mentoring clinic, also at Mount Hermon.

In 1991 she completed the Writer’s Digest Novel Writing Program. Her undergraduate minor was in creative writing, and she twice received her college’s fiction award. She earned honorable mention in two Writer’s Digest fiction-writing competitions (1987 and 1988) and won the Ohio River Writer’s Conference fiction prize (1981).

Robertson worked more than twenty years in advertising, as a copywriter, then an account executive, then a vice president. A client for whom she wrote a book-length company history was pleased enough to offer her a byline, and she still consults on occasion. Her career enables her to instill Curst Be the Tie with an insider’s view of the ad business.
She holds professional memberships in American Christian Fiction Writers, the Utah Christian Writers’ Fellowship, and the online Christian Writers’ Group.

Randy sez: The last paragraph is the most important, so this should be moved up to the top. I have read a few chapters of Curst Be The Tie, and found it extremely witty and enjoyable. It’s a mystery set in an ad agency. I didn’t know Jane had 20+ years in advertising, but this is useful to know, because it tells us Jane is an insider. There are any number of people who write books about stuff they know nothing about! Jane is not one of those.

The second most important material here is Jane’s actual experience writing. She’s contributed to a couple of Chicken Soup books. That is relevant.

As for Jane’s education and experience at writing conferences and various awards, those can be summarized in a quick paragraph. The idea is to show that you’ve been actively learning how to write without making too big a deal out of it. Lots of people have taken courses, gone to conferences, and won awards.

Camille wrote:

Qualifications: I have a PhD in Learning Things the Hard Way. I’m well acquainted with dysfunction, abuse, pain, and despair. And thanks to the self-help Eighties, in additional to dysfunctional, I’m self absorbed. I’m also sarcastic, ironic, gifted but lazy, compulsive, wry witted, self-depreciating, and over-caffeinated. I play bass guitar, love Classic Rock, muscle cars, big V-twins and action flicks, and I HATE shopping.

And. . . I’m currently writing a touchingly sweet, old fashioned, faith-based romance targeted toward nice, normal women with nice nails. WHY??

Randy sez: That set of qualifications is pretty darned good. “I’m self-absorbed.” Love that! Self-absorbed about being self-absorbed! I was waiting to see you call yourself “mean-spirited,” but maybe you’re not, which is a pity.

I think what makes this work is the fact that your novel is kind of out of touch with all that. You end with the question “WHY??”

I’ll bet there’s an answer to that question, Camille. If you come up with an answer that’s as genuine and funny as the “qualifications” paragraph, you’d have a winner. Because the world has enough writers who are sweet and old-fashioned and faith-filled and write sweet, old-fashioned faith-based romances for those pesky normal women with nice nails. But I bet it could use a sassy writer who writes that kind of fiction.

Think hard about this: Why are you writing this kind of fiction? Obviously, it’s because you like it. But why? There’s got to be some contradiction deep inside you. Contradictions make people interesting.

Nuff said for tonight. We’ll look at some more tomorrow.

I looked at all of your ideas for what we should talk about next and decided that it’s logical to tackle how to write your author bio for your proposal next, since we’ve just finished talking about how to write that pesky synopsis.

A bio is supposed to be short and to persuade the editor that you are the best person in the world to write your novel. This is tricky, because you need to get your qualifications across without bragging. And “qualifications” for writing a novel are not the same as qualifications for a job application.

Let’s face it–the main qualification for writing a novel is . . . the ability to write the novel. So what the editor is looking for is something–anything–that the marketing people can pick up on to help promote your book. If your novel has a main character who is mentally retarded and you happen to have a mentally retarded brother, that’s a strong qualification. The marketing people are going to say, “Yeah, we could put him on the radio talking about his brother.” Actually, the marketing people will want the brother on too. That’s how marketing people think.

So you want to highlight life experiences that can help in promoting your book. If there’s anything remotely controversial in your book (that’s a good thing, because controversy sells) then it would be great if you’ve got some sort of expertise. For example, if you’re writing a novel that involves the long and convoluted creation/evolution debate, a degree in biology would be nice.

OK, let’s look at a real-live example. Here are the bios that John Olson and I used for our novel OXYGEN:

About the Authors

Randall Ingermanson earned a Ph.D. in theoretical physics from the University of California at Berkeley in 1986. He spent two years doing postdoctoral research in superstring theory at The Ohio State University and has worked for the past eleven years as a computational physicist in private industry. He has written a number of scientific articles and reports in quantum field theory, superstring theory, and plasma physics, and is a member of the Mars Society. He is the author of Transgression, a time-travel novel, and Who Wrote the Bible Code?, a controversial book debunking the Bible code. He maintains an extensive web site promoting his books at www.rsingermanson.com. Dr. Ingermanson lives with his wife and three children in San Diego.

John Olson received a Ph.D. in biochemistry from the University of Wisconsin at Madison in 1995. He did two years of postdoctoral work at the University of California at San Francisco and now works for a computational biochemistry company in the San Francisco Bay Area. John is a member of the Mars Society and is thrilled to return to Mars after so many years away. He spent a large part of his childhood there—flying with the Swifts, fencing with the Barsoomians, and fishing with the Hrassa. Now, when he’s not goofing off with his wife and two children, he’s creating wild adventure parties or working to establish a postmodern ministry in Dublin, California.

Let’s look at what my bio achieves:
1) Establishes scientific expertise. Good for a technothriller.
2) Member of Mars society. Good for a Mars novel.
3) Author of a novel. Good–that proves Randy can finish a book on deadline.
4) Author of a controversial book. This suggests Randy has done radio and can handle himself in public.
5) Has a web site. This shows Randy will do SOMETHING to promote his book.
6) Has a wife and 3 kids. Thank God he’s not a total geek!
7) A Californian. May God deliver us all.

And here’s what John’s bio does:
1) Shows he has scientific expertise too. A little scary. Two geeks on one book?
2) Also in the Mars Society. These people tend to find each other, don’t they?
3) Thinks he has been to Mars. Excellent. John is the fun one on this team.
4) Believes he has seen Swifts, Barsoomians, and Hrassa. Either mentally unbalanced or a novelist. Actually, those are the same thing.
5) Has wife and 2 kids. Not as fecund as Randy. Wonder what’s wrong with him? Clearly, these guys aren’t totally off the deep end, though, because there’s a woman willing to live with each of them.
6) Wild adventure parties. This proves it. John is definitely the fun guy on the team. We’ll put him in front of the camera and have Randy drool quietly in the corner.
7) Another Californian. Abandon hope!

All right, folks! Now it’s your turn. Who wants to post your bio for scrutiny? Go ahead, be brave. I’ll be nice, but I’ll also help you make it better.

Today, I’ll critique a few more starts for synopses, but I think you all are getting the hang of things now. So be thinking of what you’d like to discuss next. Leave a comment with a question.

Janice posted this beginning:

It’s 1856. Orphaned, Charlie Cooper is forced into an apprenticeship under a heavy-handed blacksmith. He flees Clio, Virginia, vowing to someday return to claim his young sister, Emmeline, from the guardianship of their austere aunt. Penniless, he is befriended by an old trapper, who bequeaths Charlie a treasure map that leads him to the mysterious book of Proverbs.

Charlie throws himself into finding prosperity and riches the only way he knows how, through the words of King Solomon. Proverbs’ repeated instructions to “My son,” chaff Charlie’s soul– his papa abandoned him when he needed him most. He tries to ignore the gnawing desire for a parent’s love, while battling the enmity of rival David Kent. Charlie’s heart longs for the God who is a Father to the fatherless.

Four years later, Charlie learns his papa has returned to Aunt Martha’s. Emmeline pleads with Charlie to come home, but he clings to his anger toward his papa and remains bitter toward Aunt Martha. Finally, the taunting words of Proverbs send him home. As he works to restore his relationship with his papa, words of southern secession put a chill in the air. A business trip into Kentucky turns tragic when they are attacked by Confederate guerrillas, and Charlie’s papa is murdered. The tension between Aunt Martha and Charlie becomes unbearable, as well as the desire to seek vengeance against his papa’s killers. He joins the Union Army, but before leaving he seeks the promise of Big Ed, a family friend, to guard and protect Emmeline. Again vowing to return to claim her.

Randy sez: There’s a story here, but I’m not seeing the scenes clearly. I think this needs a bit more detail. I would guess it expanding it out to be twice as many words would do the trick. Remember to try summarizing a sequence of scenes into a paragraph or so.

Gina posted this beginning for her mystery:

Sixty seconds before going live on the Texas Lyndon University cable show “Archeology Today”, hostess and Archeology Professor, Mari Duggins, learns her first guest is dead. She stumbles through her opening, knowing the casting director at KTXL will be watching. She recovers, but after a practical joke, faints on camera. Humiliated, she believes her chance at her dream job as co-hostess for the network affiliate morning show is ruined.

Mari’s best friend assures her that all things will work together for good and offers to pray with Mari, but Mari refuses. God has never heard her prayers before. Then the casting director at KTXL calls saying she missed the show. Mari can’t believe her luck and entertains the idea that maybe all things will work together for her good.

On her way to class, Mari learns her first guest, Head of Archeology Martin Henderson, might have been murdered. Mari informs the detective that field archaeologist, Fletcher Murdock, was the last one in the green room with Henderson. She doesn’t mention the argument she witnessed before the show between Henderson and fellow archeology professor, Peter Kipling. The two have had a professional rivalry for years, recently fueled by Henderson’s marriage to Kipling’s ex-wife.

Randy sez: Now there’s a strong lead! The entire first paragraph is excellent. Paragraph 2 seems to lose pace though. Gina, you asked if you might have introduced the spiritual thread too early. I’d say yes, and it feels pretty strong too. Might be better to let it emerge more subtly in the synopsis.

Paragraph 3, at first glance, appears to be a repetition of the opening. Then I realized that it’s only in paragraph 3 that we know it’s a murder, as opposed to just any old death. You’ve introduced a couple of the suspects and the story is well on its way to unfolding. Be wary of including too much detail. If you have a lot of paragraphs as detailed as #3, the synopsis is going to be pretty long.

Gina, you asked in a late comment if it’s OK to tell the synopsis a bit out of order so you can group together related scenes. Yes, that’s just fine. That’ll help you cut some words.

Yeggy posted this entry:

Shannon Mckay is 15, a gifted high school student living in a rural suburb of Darwin, Australia. Her one ambition to sing professionally is thwarted when she wakes at Nuselmir’s Keep on the world of N’Arth as the unpopular Princess Rhea.

Her mentor, Nuselmir, informs her that she can not go back to Earth, until she has completed her task on N’Arth. He is adamant about one thing – if she dies on N’arth, she dies.

Three assassination attempts fail, on the third the keep is raised to the ground. With the help of the alien Draghelli, Brghyn, Rhea escapes through a secret passageway with an unconscious Nuselmir, a kitchen boy, her maid, and the unconscious Nuselmir. With her life at stake, small decisions and seemingly inconsequential actions now have big consequences.

Randy sez: OK, we’ve got a fantasy here. What I see in paragraph 1 is a run-on sentence: “Her one ambition to sing professionally is thwarted when she wakes at Nuselmir’s Keep on the world of N’Arth as the unpopular Princess Rhea.”

That’s more than just thwarting her ambition! That’s messing up her life. I’d revise that paragraph as follows:

“Shannon Mckay is 15, a gifted high school student living in a rural suburb of Darwin, Australia. Her one ambition is to sing professionally. After [insert the incident that causes her to switch worlds] she wakes up at Nuselmir’s Keep on the world of N’Arth as the unpopular Princess Rhea.”

In paragraph 3, we’ve got a run-on sentence again. You mention three assassination attempts. Who is doing the attempting, and who is the assassinee? I think it would be good to tell a bit more about each of these attempts, unless they happen really fast. I would think each of them requires a scene (or 2 or 3) to show. So you really need to spell these out in more detail–methods, characters, settings, etc.

All in all, we need to see more details. I need to be able to guess, with a fair degree of accuracy, what scenes are going to be used to write each paragraph.

OK, I think we’ve gone through enough examples. We could go on forever, but it seems to me like we’ve covered the topic and I’m starting to repeat myself.

What’s next for us to talk about? Leave a comment and we’ll switch gears tomorrow.

Today, I’ll critique a few more of your synopses that some of you posted a few days ago.

Lois contributed this example:

The year is 1946. Laurie Jefferson, five months married and four months pregnant, huddles beside her mother’s grave, trying not to cry as she stares at the white band of skin across her empty left ring finger. She tries very hard not to be angry with her young veteran husband, Al. It is really her mother-in-law who is responsible, who demanded collateral for the $100 loan Al needed to buy a used car. The only thing of value they had was Laurie’s diamond ring handed down through generations of women in her mother’s family—the ring Laurie gladly offered to wear as a wedding ring to save the expense of another ring. Laurie can’t understand why Al didn’t fight harder to prevent his mother from taking the cherished heirloom?

Al’s 13-year-old cousin, Phoebe, dances around the graves waving her hands, taunts Laurie, claiming the diamond ring she’s wearing—Laurie’s ring—is a gift from Al’s mother for eighth grade graduation. Laurie can’t keep the acidic bubble of betrayal from bursting. Running from the cemetery, instead of going to the Jefferson home where she and Al have lived, she heads for the cabin on the lake that Dr. Jefferson has promised to remodel for their use when the weather is warm enough.

Randy sez: This sounds like a strong story. However, the synopsis feels like it’s too detailed. If you continue at this rate, you’ll have fifty pages.

Lois posted this comment more recently:

Five women, with individual and separate backstories, will for a period of time own the same heirloom diamond ring. The ring is the common thread, but the women have their own crises.

Although the chapters mesh and will converge in a climactic ending, I’m having difficulty pulling the chronology into the synopsis because of the separation of characters.

Any recommendations or experiences with this sort of thing?

Randy sez: This could be difficult to pull off, even for an experienced novelist. The problem with having five protagonists (and that’s what it seems you want to do) is that the reader doesn’t know who to root for. So she’ll pick one person and root for them, but . . . then you’re going to pull the rug out and make another character the protagonist for awhile. That can be dangerous.

Note that a multiple POV story is fine, but there needs to be ONE protagonist. THE GODFATHER has about 50 POV characters (or so it seems, sometimes) but the protagonist is Don Corleone, even when the action is far away from him.

Chawna posted these first few paragraphs of her synopsis of a young-adult novel:

47 days and 16 hours–how much trouble could one subhuman Dohgah get into in such a short period?

But Cora Remain knows that as a Dohgah bound by endless rules, she could cross the law all too easily. One mistake and her substantial inheritance would transfer to Johari, her superior-designed Kilim sister.

But vigilance isn’t enough. Johari provokes Cora into assaulting a Kilim, the worst crime a Dohgah could commit, and then offers to testify on her behalf…if Cora will sign her inheritance over to her.

At the risk of a trial, the loss of her inheritance, and possible banishment, Cora rejects Johari’s proposal and seeks aide from her tutor, Trex Troble. He recommends a third course of action and the most dangerous of all: disguise herself as a Kilim and enter a competition for a leading politician’s aide. Such action would break every possible Dohgah law, and if she’s unmasked, banishment or worse is guaranteed. But if she wins the position, she could gain political immunity long enough to find asylum on a different planet.

Randy sez: The story idea sounds very workable. The first couple of paragraphs sound more like teaser back-cover copy than like a synopsis. I think the real story starts in paragraph 3. I would recommend that you start the synopsis with a paragraph about Cora getting snookered into assaulting the Kilim, and THEN explain why that’s a problem. Paragraph 4 is a bit too wordy, in my view. Here’s the way I’d write it:

Cora Remain is a Dohgah, genetically inferior to her half-sister Johari, a Kilim. When Johari provokes her into assaulting another Kilim, Cora faces [insert what punishment she faces here]. However, Johari offers to testify on Cora’s behalf–in exchange for signing over her substantial inheritance.

Cora’s tutor Trex suggests that she try a dangerous ruse–to disguise herself as a Kilim and compete for a position as a leading politician’s aide. That could buy her political immunity long enough to seek asylum on another planet. But if she’s caught, she faces [insert horrible punishment here].

The first paragraph summarizes what are probably 2 or 3 scenes. The second one summarizes probably 1 or 2, depending on how you break it out.

Miscelle posted this beginning for her synopsis:

Not yet seventeen, Abby Johnson’s world is shattered only eight months after coming to her husband’s Wyoming homestead as a new bride in 1870. A senseless accident takes the life of her unborn baby. Abby and her husband, Sam, grow closer as they share their grief, but her young faith in God is tested when seeds of guilt and fear try to take root in her heart—What could she have done differently? Would she ever have any other children?

With only three families in the small valley, Abby must deal with her two neighbors. Katy Matthews remembers what it was like to be new to the valley and teaches Abby how to prepare for the winter, lending a hand whenever she can. The only other woman nearby is Molly, Abby’s sister-in-law. As much as Katy helps, Molly hurts, with her nagging, complaints, and jealousy.

Hard work and spiritual closeness bind Abby, Sam and Josh, a twelve-year-old orphan, into a family. A special bond forms between Abby and Josh when he tells her about his family dying in a cabin fire. She draws on her memories of how her mother comforted a childhood friend years before and helps Josh in his grief.

Randy sez: This sounds like a strong story, but the synopsis feels rushed. These three paragraphs might well be half the book. (I’m just guessing here, because it’s hard to tell.) I think there should be a bit more detail. The trick here is to let your synopsis help the editor guess how many scenes are being summarized in each paragraph.

Just as an example, let’s look at the first sentence of paragraph 3. “Hard work and spiritual closeness bind Abby, Sam and Josh, a twelve-year-old orphan, into a family.”

That’s fine, but . . . what kind of hard work? How many scenes of hard work are we going to see? What sort of spiritual closeness? How do they combine to bring the three closer together? Show us more details here, Mischelle, and I think you’ll be fine.

Heather posted this example:

When Candice takes her husband Ian to the airport for his month-long charity building project overseas, she is facing a possible cancer diagnosis and is swamped at work. When he offers to skip the trip and stay home with her, she refuses to admit that she wants and needs this, and instead convinces him to go.

As she leaves the airport, Candice receives a phone call from her restaurant designer boss informing her that they have a new client. When she arrives at work, she is stunned to see Kegan, her first love, sitting in her boss’s office. They shake hands, and the touch of the man who broke her heart sends shock waves through her.

Working with him every day, Candice is careful to keep Kegan and her memories of their time together at bay, to keep their relationship purely professional. That is, until her doctor calls while she is at Kegan’s restaurant, overwhelming Candice with relief and emotion. Kegan is quick to comfort her, and she gives in to his insistence that they need to celebrate; their amusement park visit is the most fun she’s had in a long time.

Randy sez: Excellent! This has good pacing, and I can easily imagine what scenes are going to go into it. There is one glitch here: when Candice’s doctor calls, what news is he giving her? What sort of emotions is she experiencing? If relief, why does Kegan need to comfort her? Other than that, this is doing what a synopsis needs to do–telling the story in a way that lets the editor get a sense of the story flow.

Hi All:

I went camping with the family over the weekend and wasn’t able to post a blog Friday before I left. I’ve been playing catchup today since I got back, so I’ll make today’s entry short.

Nancy asked:

When we submit to a publisher, do we give away the ending (I am writing suspense)or do we ‘tease’ them like your questions at the end of your ‘Mars’ synopsis?

Randy sez: I do both. I tell them what the ending is, but usually when I go to write the ending, it turns out different (and better) than I had planned. There’s always some extra twist that I didn’t know was going to be there. So the net effect is as if I had teased them.

With OXYGEN, John and I thought we knew what the ending would be. But the truth is that our original ending was lame and our editor said so when we submitted it. When we got it back for final revisions, we worked on everything else but the ending. We couldn’t figure it out so we focussed on getting everything else right. Then we spent the last day trying to find a decent ending. Finally we hit on it at 11:30 that night. I wrote a quick draft of it in about 15 minutes and emailed it to John and he polished it and sent it in.

We were lucky. It worked. I don’t recommend this method.

I’m late in blogging this week! Monday was Labor Day, a national holiday here in the US. Tuesday and Wednesday were consumed with getting my e-zine sent out. So now it’s Thursday, and I’m picking up where we left off last week.

We were discussing synopses and how to write them. I invited you to post a few paragraphs of your synopsis, if you’ve got one, and I’ll critique them. I see you’ve all been busy! Let’s get rolling then . . .

Pam wrote this one:

Fifteen-year-old Akeela lives in the forest outside the village of Broem in the country of Estinia with Krezma, the old hag who rescued her after her mother died in childbirth. Krezma took her into the deep, deep woods because she knows Akeela is no ordinary child. Akeela is destined to be the next fairy guardian.

Fairies are essential to the land. Their magic sows goodness into the ground that not only benefits the ground, it also keeps the ashes of the Dark Lord, Viss’aird, buried and, they believe, harmless. Years ago, a spell gone terribly wrong caused him to disintegrate. When his ashes were scattered from the witch’s tower, they settled into the ground. There they have been growing and recreating him into a potential power of evil so large, it would consume the entire world.

And now, an evil plan is unfolding to release the powerful Dark Lord from his slumber. The witch, Tzmet, is capturing and eating fairies in order to diminish their power until Viss’aird (her father) can rise from the ground.

Randy sez: This is good! It sets the stage for the novel in just a few paragraphs. It has about the right level of detail and it shows us the principal characters. Good job, Pam!

There was a question on whether the names will be an issue. The answer is that fantasy readers are used to weird names and expect them. These names will work just fine.

Marcus posted this excerpt from his synopsis:

From my YA novel “Unstuck”

The story begins one sparky fireside night 20 years ago at Camp Blue Sky, a teen summer camp in the Pacific Northwest. A 14-year-old Nick Adamson stands up and gives his first-ever testimony to a rapt crowd of newly-on-fire-for-Christ high schoolers. Nick has just accepted Jesus Christ as Lord. The reason for his conversion? Jesus is a blast! That’s what has been promised to Nick by his ultra-cool camp counselor, The Torque, and it’s what Nick craves—a life larger than he can ever imagine. After all, Jesus has given an amazing life to Torque, the muscle-bound university engineering student who creates canons in his spare time. Why wouldn’t Jesus provide that for Nick, too?

Next to Nick’s side is his best friend, Chad Michael Juniper Van Stantvoordt, AKA Juner, who’s too short yet to live up to his tall name. Juner loves science and mag lites and has been a Christian his whole life. He takes this Jesus thing in stride, and perhaps Juner overmuch likes all the hugs that girls give him on the last night of camp.

While giving his testimony, Nick can’t help glancing across the fireside area at Shipper Ryun, an acquaintance from school. She’s got hair, eyes, creamy skin—who wouldn’t want to date her? Shipper has previously ignored Nick, even spurned him, but after fireside, Shipper is suddenly all smiles.

Despite Juner’s dire predictions about high school starting in 14 days and “you know what happens to freshmen like us,” Nick can hardly wait for school to start so the benefits of his new-found Christian life and all its amazing promises can begin. He slugs Juner all-friendly-like in the arm: “Relax willya, Jesus wouldn’t let anything go wrong, would He?”

Randy sez: I would like to see the conflict emerging more quickly here. This is fairly detailed–so far it’s all about one scene, and so far everything is going swimmingly. Only in the last sentence is there a hint that things are about to go very wrong. So Marcus, I’d recommend summarizing this and getting to the conflict. Because the story doesn’t begin until there’s conflict.

Kathryn asked:

What about if you have two plotlines? They occassionaly come together but are mostly seperate. Do you do the synopsis for one line until they merge, then do a “Meanwhile, back at the ranch, …” or do one until THE END then do the second, or do one and not mention the other at all? Something else entirely?

Randy sez: Mix them just like you would in the real novel. Do a paragraph or two on one storyline, then do a paragraph or two on the other. And highlight those points where the two storylines come together, because if they look like they’re totally separate, the editor is going to be asking, “Why isn’t this two books?”

Mary posted her first few paragraphs:

Ari Poorman, eighteen, walks home after babysitting on an autumn Friday night, bemoaning her sorry state of affairs. She encounters Ryan and Mick, two guys who never showed any interest in her during high school. The guys get Ari to go with them to “have some fun.” When they attempt rape, she escapes and runs home, losing her house key in Ryan’s car.

The next week, Ryan and Mick sneak into the Poormans’ house. Ari, home alone and ill with a cold, confronts them. They’re interrupted by the police, who have come to investigate a neighbor’s report.

After much effort, Ari gets a full-time job at Chinn’s Cuisine. She gets to know her fellow employees: waitresses Yu Chinn, the owner’s homeschooled teen daughter, and April, who disappears after threatening to get an abortion in order to keep her boyfriend; and busboy Mark Smucker, a friendly young man Ari would like to have as more than just a friend.

Randy sez: OK, this looks promising. The one point I’d like to see improved is the “reality factor.” In paragraph 1, Ari gets away from two able-bodied boys intent on rape. Good for her, but . . . how did she manage that? Is she skilled at martial arts? Is she a good runner? We need to know enough about her to believe she could do this.

In paragraph 2, the boys come back for another try. This time, the cops save Ari, which seems awfully convenient. Can you make this more believable? What does Ari DO to get herself out of trouble here? Readers want to see a character who can help herself, not one who gets lucky by having the cops drop by.

We’ll continue tomorrow with critiques of more synopses.