Comments on: Once More On Alie’s Sentence http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/ America's Mad Professor of Fiction Writing Wed, 16 May 2012 15:22:22 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.1.3 By: Alie http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-781 Alie Thu, 17 May 2007 06:13:18 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-781 Much warmer. Interestingly enough, I toyed with using "advertising executive" myself last night. Guess I should have. As for a third murder - yep, other lives are being threatened. I get the feeling this story is too predictable. :-( Much warmer.

Interestingly enough, I toyed with using “advertising executive” myself last night. Guess I should have.

As for a third murder - yep, other lives are being threatened.

I get the feeling this story is too predictable. :-(

]]> By: Pam Halter http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-782 Pam Halter Thu, 17 May 2007 12:17:12 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-782 This is great. It really helps seeing the process of changing words, eliminating what's not needed and coming up with a tight, exciting sentence. This is great. It really helps seeing the process of changing words, eliminating what’s not needed and coming up with a tight, exciting sentence.

]]> By: Lois Hudson http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-787 Lois Hudson Thu, 17 May 2007 14:13:49 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-787 Yes, seeing the writers working through Randy's comments, and seeing the progression and improvement really does help the rest of us. Thanks. Yes, seeing the writers working through Randy’s comments, and seeing the progression and improvement really does help the rest of us. Thanks.

]]> By: Angie Farnworth http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-788 Angie Farnworth Thu, 17 May 2007 14:16:42 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-788 I don't know. I think it lost a little bit of the urgency from the second option Alie originally gave. (The one that was too vague.) Although her second option didn't have enough info, it was very fast-paced. I might humbly suggest working this one a little further to keep the details of Randy's suggestions, but reinsert the thrill of Alie's. Thanks so much for these examples. I now know I'd better ramp up the ending of my one liner before I go to conference next month. I don’t know. I think it lost a little bit of the urgency from the second option Alie originally gave. (The one that was too vague.) Although her second option didn’t have enough info, it was very fast-paced. I might humbly suggest working this one a little further to keep the details of Randy’s suggestions, but reinsert the thrill of Alie’s.

Thanks so much for these examples. I now know I’d better ramp up the ending of my one liner before I go to conference next month.

]]> By: Carly Brown http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-791 Carly Brown Thu, 17 May 2007 14:42:55 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-791 Stumbling on your Blog is good luck for me. Very interesting and informative and makes me want to learn more about this writing thing. I can't wait going on the cruise!!! My thoughts on Alie's sentence. The 5th Aveune executive grapples to clear his name of the murders spanning a decade. (15) Well there is a first time for everything and this is it. Thanks. Carly Stumbling on your Blog is good luck for me. Very interesting and informative and makes me want to learn more about this writing thing. I can’t wait going on the cruise!!!

My thoughts on Alie’s sentence. The 5th Aveune executive grapples to clear his name of the murders spanning a decade. (15)

Well there is a first time for everything and this is it. Thanks.

Carly

]]> By: Lynetta Smith http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-792 Lynetta Smith Thu, 17 May 2007 15:42:03 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-792 I've also enjoyed Randy's critiques of the one-liners. It really does help to practice this technique, whether it's for your book or other people's stories. And I really need the practice! "Advertising executive" does a lot for the characterization of the protag, but I was wondering, would it be wise to clarify his personality a bit more? For example, Alie mentioned "award winning." Is he arrogant? Perhaps "advertising hot-shot" would give him some color, rather than a picture of a drab grey suit and a bland tie. (Or, if he is a drab sort, then perhaps it's best to stick with an adjective that portrays that). Anyway, just a thought. I’ve also enjoyed Randy’s critiques of the one-liners. It really does help to practice this technique, whether it’s for your book or other people’s stories. And I really need the practice!

“Advertising executive” does a lot for the characterization of the protag, but I was wondering, would it be wise to clarify his personality a bit more? For example, Alie mentioned “award winning.” Is he arrogant? Perhaps “advertising hot-shot” would give him some color, rather than a picture of a drab grey suit and a bland tie. (Or, if he is a drab sort, then perhaps it’s best to stick with an adjective that portrays that). Anyway, just a thought.

]]> By: Tami Meyers http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-794 Tami Meyers Thu, 17 May 2007 17:29:51 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/05/16/once-more-on-alies-sentence/#comment-794 I like the new ending "before the real killer strikes again". It creates that sense of urgency that peeks your interest and makes you want to read the book. I like the new ending “before the real killer strikes again”. It creates that sense of urgency that peeks your interest and makes you want to read the book.

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