Comments on: Critiquing Beth

By: Paul Massey

Paul Massey — Mon, 07 May 2007 12:24:13 +0000

I would have written it this way
As he swung down to the sandy shore, Clay’s momentum was brought to a sudden halt.

Jill, with shoulders slumped and head bowed, was standing at the waters edge. Grief weighed heavily on her slender form.

He felt like an interloper; sighing silently as he felt his breath being taken away.”Ready?”

By: Andra M.

Andra M. — Mon, 07 May 2007 12:56:54 +0000

What I’ve learned from editors, writers, and writing books is to avoid passive verbs such as ‘was’, ‘were’, ‘is’, and ‘am’, as well as ‘be’ and ‘being’.

Paul’s example has a lot of that.

By: Pamela Cosel

Pamela Cosel — Mon, 07 May 2007 18:02:43 +0000

Paul–I can see what you’re trying to accomplish with a rewrite of Randy’s suggestion, but two words seem out of place and overdone in your version: “heavily” (as in “weighed heavily”) and the next line, “silently” (in “sighing silently”). The words don’t fit and seem overuse to me. Isn’t a sigh somewhat audible? Doesn’t the word “weigh” imply and “show” heavy? Also, the word “sudden” seems overdone. I’ve always been taught to avoid those kind of words: sudden, all of a sudden, a few minutes later — that kind of thing. I prefer Randy’s version. More natural flow and not artificial in its description. Nice try, though.

By: Valerie B.

Valerie B. — Mon, 07 May 2007 18:09:02 +0000

A little new to this. I’m trying to uderstand the MR unit. What makes paragraph one a motivation. I see it is objective and something a video camera would see. But how is it a stimulus for the next paragraph? Also, I’m not seeing how paragraph two is a reaction to one.

Thanks…

By: Valerie B.

Valerie B. — Mon, 07 May 2007 19:20:13 +0000

Read it again. Yes, I see that paragraph one is a reaction not a motivation. Also, that paragraph two is a motivation followed by the last reaction paragraph.

By: Beth

Beth — Wed, 09 May 2007 20:38:56 +0000

Blessings to you, Randy! Thanks for the critique.

By: Jim Thompson

Jim Thompson — Thu, 10 May 2007 04:10:56 +0000

I think this conforms to MRU. Since I changed some of the wording, I may have modified the author’s voice. Please let me know.

Clay released the vine as his feet struck the sandy beach, running to a stop a few yards from Jill.

She stood by the water’s edge, shoulders slumped and head bowed. Empathy for the grief weighing on her slender form stole his breath.

Though intruding seemed wrong, circumstances gave him no choice. “Ready?”

By: admin

admin — Thu, 10 May 2007 05:15:14 +0000

Randy sez: No, Jim, this isn’t working yet. Your paragraph 1 shows three things happening simultaneously which have to happen in sequence. Paragraph 2 contains first a Motivation and then a Reaction.