Comments on: Critiquing Yeggy http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/ America's Mad Professor of Fiction Writing Sat, 22 Nov 2008 16:26:47 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.1.3 By: Hope Marston http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-497 Hope Marston Mon, 30 Apr 2007 09:51:55 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-497 Hi Randy, Since showing is so much better than telling, thanks for showing us how to make the writing happen before our eyes. I'm looking forward to tomorrow's "serving." Hi Randy,
Since showing is so much better than telling, thanks for showing us how to make the writing happen before our eyes. I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s “serving.”

]]> By: Charlotte Babb http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-498 Charlotte Babb Mon, 30 Apr 2007 09:59:20 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-498 It certainly has more emotional impact as showing, although it seems stretched to the limit. I am ready (as reader) to have a break in the anticipation. You can only do so much with slow motion--and then you speed back up to show the result. It certainly has more emotional impact as showing, although it seems stretched to the limit. I am ready (as reader) to have a break in the anticipation.

You can only do so much with slow motion–and then you speed back up to show the result.

]]> By: Carrie Neuman http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-499 Carrie Neuman Mon, 30 Apr 2007 10:57:42 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-499 I'd say it depends on how dramatic it's supposed to be. If this is an important moment, go ahead and let it be huge on the page. If it's something in passing to set us up for an important moment, edit it down to a paragraph. What a great example of how to take something you wrote and make it an MRU. Break it up, fill in the pieces, then see how you like it. I'd been wondering how to do that! I’d say it depends on how dramatic it’s supposed to be. If this is an important moment, go ahead and let it be huge on the page. If it’s something in passing to set us up for an important moment, edit it down to a paragraph.

What a great example of how to take something you wrote and make it an MRU. Break it up, fill in the pieces, then see how you like it. I’d been wondering how to do that!

]]> By: Rachel Brown http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-500 Rachel Brown Mon, 30 Apr 2007 12:22:27 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-500 Thanks for this example, Randy. It has really illustrated to me how MRU's make it seem like I'm experiencing something as it is happening *now*, rather than listening to the tale of something that has happened. That was a distinction I don't think I fully grasped before. Can't wait to read more! Thanks for this example, Randy.

It has really illustrated to me how MRU’s make it seem like I’m experiencing something as it is happening *now*, rather than listening to the tale of something that has happened.

That was a distinction I don’t think I fully grasped before.

Can’t wait to read more!

]]> By: Pam Halter http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-501 Pam Halter Mon, 30 Apr 2007 12:49:43 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-501 Your example increased the tension and urgency. I think that makes it better. Your example increased the tension and urgency. I think that makes it better.

]]> By: Andra M. http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-502 Andra M. Mon, 30 Apr 2007 13:06:14 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-502 I thank you for taking the time to critique these pieces, as well as making them public so we can all learn something. Since you asked, your example grabbed me, but I also agreed with Charlotte in that I was ready for a break in the anticipation. I'm looking forward to more! I want to also thank those who submitted samples. They've made for some interesting reading! I thank you for taking the time to critique these pieces, as well as making them public so we can all learn something.

Since you asked, your example grabbed me, but I also agreed with Charlotte in that I was ready for a break in the anticipation.

I’m looking forward to more!

I want to also thank those who submitted samples. They’ve made for some interesting reading!

]]> By: Angie Farnworth http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-503 Angie Farnworth Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:06:54 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-503 Fantastic example, Randy! I learn so much better from real life than I do from reading all the "how to" books I can get my hands on. Thanks so much for giving us a practical application of your teachings. Fantastic example, Randy! I learn so much better from real life than I do from reading all the “how to” books I can get my hands on. Thanks so much for giving us a practical application of your teachings.

]]> By: Angie Farnworth http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-504 Angie Farnworth Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:12:32 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-504 Oops! I was supposed to say why your version was better. Several reasons: I like that you showed the knocking over and over again. It's one thing to say it, but showing it puts us inside the protag's head. Second, by breaking this down into "real time," we have a sense of the escalting fear the protag. feels. Also, you really breathed life into the example. While I liked what Yeggy was trying to communicate, it felt a little "flat." Your emotions and reactions added depth and feeling to the scene that made reading it an "experience" rather than a narrative story. Oops! I was supposed to say why your version was better. Several reasons: I like that you showed the knocking over and over again. It’s one thing to say it, but showing it puts us inside the protag’s head. Second, by breaking this down into “real time,” we have a sense of the escalting fear the protag. feels. Also, you really breathed life into the example. While I liked what Yeggy was trying to communicate, it felt a little “flat.” Your emotions and reactions added depth and feeling to the scene that made reading it an “experience” rather than a narrative story.

]]> By: Lois Hudson http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-505 Lois Hudson Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:21:50 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-505 I don't know why, but spelling out sounds as actions--knock, knock, bang, bang--causes a "bump" in the reading for me. Am I the only one? Moving the first action--froze, clutching my sheets--to the first helps us know the person is in bed (not clear till second paragraph of the original piece). And the quick progression of the rest- huddled, clamped, tasted, smelled--move the reader right into the middle of it, increasing the tension. Thanks for the tutorial. I don’t know why, but spelling out sounds as actions–knock, knock, bang, bang–causes a “bump” in the reading for me. Am I the only one?

Moving the first action–froze, clutching my sheets–to the first helps us know the person is in bed (not clear till second paragraph of the original piece). And the quick progression of the rest- huddled, clamped, tasted, smelled–move the reader right into the middle of it, increasing the tension.

Thanks for the tutorial.

]]> By: Groovyoldlady http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-506 Groovyoldlady Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:42:25 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-506 I WANNA KNOW WHO'S OUTSIDE THAT DOOR! (Wait, lemme get my shotgun first...) I WANNA KNOW WHO’S OUTSIDE THAT DOOR! (Wait, lemme get my shotgun first…)

]]> By: Laura Ware http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-507 Laura Ware Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:45:22 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-507 Thanks SO MUCH for the link to the article. I bookmarked it to read again and again. Good stuff in there. :-) Thanks SO MUCH for the link to the article. I bookmarked it to read again and again. Good stuff in there. :-)

]]> By: D. E. Hale http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-508 D. E. Hale Mon, 30 Apr 2007 15:41:11 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-508 Yes, see this is the reason I LOVE those MRU's so much - they really do create a scene where you feel like you're living the story. Love it! I can't wait to see what you do with the other examples. Yes, see this is the reason I LOVE those MRU’s so much - they really do create a scene where you feel like you’re living the story. Love it! I can’t wait to see what you do with the other examples.

]]> By: ML Eqatin http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-509 ML Eqatin Mon, 30 Apr 2007 16:12:44 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-509 Some parts were better. But I lost the intrigue as to why the texture of the covers had anything to do with the future. And it dragged a bit. I could have done without the second 'knock, knock.' My biggest problem with the original was a disconnect between the two paragraphs. OK, now I'm going to stick in my untutored observation about show-versus-tell. After reading Stein, et all, I went back to the books that are selling well right now on Amazon for my current project (YA fiction.) I picked apart 'Harry Potter' and 'Narnia' for a baseline. The first has a lot of showing, it is, as Swain puts it, very 'filmable'. The second involves a lot of telling. BUT -- when C.S. Lewis 'tells' he has such a droll storyteller voice and style that the telling itself becomes part of the charm. I have listened to master storytellers on tape and in person, and believe me, when they tell, nobody loses the thread. They break up the endless monotony of showing, which reduces you to a blow-by-blow real-time grind or the jerky fast-forward of an action filmmaker. We only object to telling when the voice is boring. Too much show does not work either, even for a visual generation. Unless, of course, you are writing for video gamers. I think the reason most beginning writers need to learn how to show is that it forces them to actually figure out all the details. But if you know your readers, your characters and your storyworld really well, either will work. The big question for me is, will they turn the page? Some parts were better. But I lost the intrigue as to why the texture of the covers had anything to do with the future.
And it dragged a bit. I could have done without the second ‘knock, knock.’
My biggest problem with the original was a disconnect between the two paragraphs.
OK, now I’m going to stick in my untutored observation about show-versus-tell. After reading Stein, et all, I went back to the books that are selling well right now on Amazon for my current project (YA fiction.) I picked apart ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘Narnia’ for a baseline. The first has a lot of showing, it is, as Swain puts it, very ‘filmable’. The second involves a lot of telling. BUT — when C.S. Lewis ‘tells’ he has such a droll storyteller voice and style that the telling itself becomes part of the charm. I have listened to master storytellers on tape and in person, and believe me, when they tell, nobody loses the thread. They break up the endless monotony of showing, which reduces you to a blow-by-blow real-time grind or the jerky fast-forward of an action filmmaker. We only object to telling when the voice is boring.
Too much show does not work either, even for a visual generation. Unless, of course, you are writing for video gamers.
I think the reason most beginning writers need to learn how to show is that it forces them to actually figure out all the details. But if you know your readers, your characters and your storyworld really well, either will work.
The big question for me is, will they turn the page?

]]> By: Joleena Thomas http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-510 Joleena Thomas Mon, 30 Apr 2007 16:37:11 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-510 Randy: Re Content Issues I agree with Angie, the repetition of knock, really works for me. It breaks up the time, mysteriously slows down the "shot" like a slow motion filming, and took me right into the action. However, one thing that bothers me in the first write is related to content and shows up worse in yours: the biting of the fingernails. My image processing unit pulled me out with this--I really pictured a cartoony element where the character is sawing speedily (exaggerated fast frames)across the fingernails of both hands like sawing through corn. In contrast, your rewrite mentions biting which produces blood. This made me wonder if the scene shouldn't been rewritten with the character doing more than just huddling under blankets. I don't think I would do that. I'd get up and get something to protect myself with. Maybe stand behind the door with something to knock them with...or is there a window to climb out of? Or hide somewhere where at least they can "see" and then make a run for it? Better than cowering under blankets I think, and might make it more exciting too. Blessings, Joleena Randy: Re Content Issues

I agree with Angie, the repetition of knock, really works for me. It breaks up the time, mysteriously slows down the “shot” like a slow motion filming, and took me right into the action.

However, one thing that bothers me in the first write is related to content and shows up worse in yours: the biting of the fingernails. My image processing unit pulled me out with this–I really pictured a cartoony element where the character is sawing speedily (exaggerated fast frames)across the fingernails of both hands like sawing through corn.

In contrast, your rewrite mentions biting which produces blood. This made me wonder if the scene shouldn’t been rewritten with the character doing more than just huddling under blankets. I don’t think I would do that.

I’d get up and get something to protect myself with. Maybe stand behind the door with something to knock them with…or is there a window to climb out of? Or hide somewhere where at least they can “see” and then make a run for it? Better than cowering under blankets I think, and might make it more exciting too.

Blessings,
Joleena

]]> By: Peg http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-511 Peg Mon, 30 Apr 2007 21:08:58 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-511 I had to laugh when you said it took more words to write it your way. Yeggy's original version totaled 87 words; yours was 90 :) But your rewrite vastly improved the entire scene, IMHO. It builds the tension with each sentence, and I definitely want to know who--or what--is behind that knocking! I had to laugh when you said it took more words to write it your way. Yeggy’s original version totaled 87 words; yours was 90 :)

But your rewrite vastly improved the entire scene, IMHO. It builds the tension with each sentence, and I definitely want to know who–or what–is behind that knocking!

]]> By: Becky http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-512 Becky Mon, 30 Apr 2007 23:35:40 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-512 Randy, this is a good example. Thanks! And groovyoldlady, I don't think I'll be stopping by your place unannounced. I think the whole MRU thing is sinking in. I realize a lot of beginning writers do too much 'telling' and not enough 'showing'. But how does one decide when a lot of tension is called for in a piece of writing and when less is needed? I think, if I'm reading things correctly, that more tension = more showing and less tension = more telling. Randy, this is a good example. Thanks! And groovyoldlady, I don’t think I’ll be stopping by your place unannounced.

I think the whole MRU thing is sinking in. I realize a lot of beginning writers do too much ‘telling’ and not enough ’showing’. But how does one decide when a lot of tension is called for in a piece of writing and when less is needed? I think, if I’m reading things correctly, that more tension = more showing and less tension = more telling.

]]> By: yeggy http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-513 yeggy Tue, 01 May 2007 01:46:13 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-513 Randy’s take made it better, more attention grabbing and immediate. Which is what I was trying to do, but not getting it. So thanks a million Randy. Thanks guys for taking the time to read and comment also. Randy’s re-write and your comments have given me a lot to think about. Looking forward to learning more as you dissect more paragraphs, Randy. Thanks again. Randy’s take made it better, more attention grabbing and immediate. Which is what I was trying to do, but not getting it. So thanks a million Randy.

Thanks guys for taking the time to read and comment also. Randy’s re-write and your comments have given me a lot to think about.

Looking forward to learning more as you dissect more paragraphs, Randy. Thanks again.

]]> By: Tami Meyers http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-515 Tami Meyers Tue, 01 May 2007 06:33:46 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-515 Randy , Your critique created a much more exciting and believable scene. It was a great lesson in the power of MRU's and how to use them to create that all-important P.E.E. In Yeggy's example I couldn't figure out why something that terrible would get bored and just go away. I also wondered what the weight and texture of the bedding had to do with what was on the other side of the door. Your use of the blanket conveyed a strong sensory image of fear, but I agree with Joleena on the finger nails. It broke the spell of terror and turned it into a moment of comic relief. Randy , Your critique created a much more exciting and believable scene. It was a great lesson in the power of MRU’s and how to use them to create that all-important P.E.E.

In Yeggy’s example I couldn’t figure out why something that terrible would get bored and just go away. I also wondered what the weight and texture of the bedding had to do with what was on the other side of the door.

Your use of the blanket conveyed a strong sensory image of fear, but I agree with Joleena on the finger nails. It broke the spell of terror and turned it into a moment of comic relief.

]]> By: Kathryn http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-520 Kathryn Tue, 01 May 2007 16:44:20 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-520 I liked the MRU version better, especially when able to compare the original to the revised version. Looking forward to reading more. I liked the MRU version better, especially when able to compare the original to the revised version. Looking forward to reading more.

]]> By: Edie http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-542 Edie Thu, 03 May 2007 13:01:52 +0000 http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/blog/2007/04/29/critiquing-yeggy/#comment-542 Your revision is riveting! I like what ML Eqatin said about us only objecting to telling when the voice is boring. So true. Your revision is riveting!

I like what ML Eqatin said about us only objecting to telling when the voice is boring. So true.

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